[A.Z.] Everybody Hurts

Things can change so fast, especially if you're not expecting it.

Everything that used to define what I used to be had disappeared within the course of a few short months. In its place is something else I never wanted to be, and still don't want to be now. The people I used to know and love as my friends have all disappeared into thin air against all my efforts to prevent such from happening, and the people I have to get used to in my new life are no replacement. The daily toil of my past life is still no picnic when you think about it, but now, it seemed so much better than the daily toil I have to face now. And when the people you have to face daily aren't the people you wish to see, it can get really upsetting.

Where was the me who used to be? Gone, gone with the winds of time. The faces of my life as just another student are now haunting me, making my every effort to try and get used to the life of an army man maddening at best, and unbearably painful at the very worst. I just keep wanting to give up at every turn, every setback. Sounds awfully wimpish, huh? But then again, please wear my shoes. I'm now in a situation I've dreaded all my life, and I'm enduring what amounts to a living nightmare for me every single damned day of my life. And again, I'm having to do it without the support of those I trust enough to put down amongst my list of friends.

Where has everyone gone? Where is my hope? Where is my motivation for life?

Perhaps there is some way to make this all stop. Right now. The question is whether I'm desperate enough to attempt such a shortcut.

I need hope.

Hope that it'll all get better.

I need motivation.

Something to give me something to live for everyday.

I need a goal.

Something for me to ignite a passion for.

Something, anything. Just get me out of this hopeless drudgery.

I went back to PJC last Thursday, when I had a nights off. It was still only 6.30PM by then, so I thought I'd take the chance and sneak back in, see how it's turned out, since I had nothing to do for the night.

It's quite the experience. Returning to where I spent my last two years as a student was like a homecoming of sorts, even though by the time I arrived, the place was almost empty. It was kinda nostalgic to return, and truly, the place seemed like nothing had changed. It was the same old students, staying late at school to cram for whatever upcoming test or exam they're facing. Just like before, PJ was nearly silent at this time, and the only signs of exuberant activity were coming from the canteen, where the more social students had gathered to study together. Guess the principal's efforts at the Night Study programme are bearing fruit.

But there was something missing. The people. Specifically, the people I have come to know, and to associate with PJC. They have all left this place long ago. And of the faces that I see, almost none are familiar. The teachers I knew have left work, and the students of which I was one of have all gone. It's all strange faces, like......it was someone else's Pioneer. I saw only 1 familiar face that night, and I never approached her. I guess that's because I felt I no longer had the right to do so.

But still, it was a memorable experience of nostalgia.

Ok, this came a week late, I know, but I just wasn't up to blogging then. Sorry about that.

Anyway, I just caught the Japanese movie "Install", starring Aya Ueto (did I mention that I think she's real cute? LOL). It's about this 17-year-old schoolgirl who's had enough of the routine of school life, and proceeds to play truant. Before she knows it, she spendsa long time working as a "sex chat goddess", and all in an effort to find her own individuality, to attempt to discover a whole new different side of herself.

So what did I think about it?

To be honest, I never thought I'd give this movie this much credit, but the movie was packaged in the papers so frivoulously, you'd think that the actual plot would be either bubblegum or sexual in nature. Not class material, in other words. But perhaps I should have expected something more, after missing out on the tickets SAturday night, and barely managing to snap up one of the last few tickets left on Sunday late afternoon.

Anyway, "Install" is a far deeper movie than I thought it would be. Though the setting of the plotline was somwhat titillating the true substance of the movie lies in its ability to touch the psyche of teenagers. Aya Ueto has somehow managed to portray convincingly the mental pains of teenage life, the universal cry of urban teenagers all around the world, the question "How am I different from anybody else?" It brings up a core need of young adults, the need to find his or her trait that sets him/her apart from the others, that need to find a goal in life worth living for. It is, underneathe its comic exterior, a poignant tale about........wait. I gotta say this: Spoilers ahead. Anyway, it is a poignant tael about one girl's despair at her humdrum, meaningless, goalless life, her attempt to break an alternative path for herself, her discovery of her own sexuality, through the smutty, underground world of erotica. Finally, it is her despiar at finding that nothing has changed despite her efforts, and finally, through a traumatic experience, her acceptance of herself as just another person in the wide world, someone who has yet the rest of her life to lead.

It is truly touching. Definitely a movie worth watching. And I am so glad I have.

Grrrr. I went to Orchard last night to watch the Japanese movie "Install"......only to find that the 10 pm tickets were SOLD OUT!!!

AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!!! I AM MAD!!!! I WASTED SO MUCH MONEY TRAVELLING TO ORCHARD FOR JACK SHIT!!!!

*calm down, calm down, calm down*.

Bleh.