[A.Z.] Everybody Hurts

Did i mention i went to Annie's cell group meeting last Friday? No? Figures. Well, it's like going to City Harvest, only small scale, like.

Well, that's the AP/TGOST/R&G paper, the economics essay paper, and the European History paper gone. It's Gothic up next.

So what has been happening all this time i wasn't posting? Well, first i downloaded Gunbound, and playing with Lindy took up a damned lot of time, time i otherwise spent blogging. I also got KOF2003 with emulator from Eno, that's more time gone. And of course there's studying.

Talk about studying, the exams start tomorrow. Damned.

Looks like this blog will be rusting for a while yet.

Why haven't i been posting much lately? Well, let's just say i've discovered the simple pleasures.....of GunBound :p

How's my mood been recently? Well, it's a curious combination of ups and downs. Up, because i've got XP, broadband, and no more viruses on my computer! Yippee! Down, because right now, i'm experiencing my first time being sick in almost 2 years.

So what do i say? Does life rock? No. Does life suck? Not really.

Oh well. I'm just hoping to have someone to talk to.

Wait. Annie asked me if i'm coming tomorrow to church too. I'll have liked to go, but well, circumstances just don't encourage it. Because of this i'm skipping their BBQ on monday too.

Damned. Life sucks.

YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy. Really happy. Finally, i've got a broadband account, and by damned it's damned fast!

I'm so happy i'm so happy i'm so happy.

Along with Windows XP to complement it. Wee ha!

Yay!!!!

............


That's a bit overboard, huh?

So i had to go buy dinner today again, and i passed by the restaurant. And i found myself straining to see if the girl was still there. Nope.

Well, at least that confirms something. I'm a loser that craves attention and feels worthless without it.

Confirmed.

From the Smallville theme song.......

Somebody saaaaaaaaaave meeeeeee............

Well, just last night, i went to the neighbourhood McDonald's to buy dinner. Nothing unusual, except that there is a restaurants just besides this McDonald's. Still nothing unusual, except that last night there was this girl, hmm.....around 15 years? Never mind, anyway she was at the front door of the restaurant, i think she was there to welcome the few customers the restaurant may have, and well, she smiled at me. So what's so unusual about that? Nothing, except i felt.....strange, like i suddenly like her or something.

Well, afterwards, I went home. Then i figured it out.

Am i such a loser in life, so used to being looked down upon by others, that whenever anyone treats me even a little bit better, i get all hyped up? That is so sad....what happened to me? How did i become the way i am?

Crap. Like i said, i'll rather be anyone.....except me. That just sucks.

And oh, i'm not getting anywhere with my studies. And i don't like it at all. What do i do?

Okay, so i went back to City Harvest again today. And i'm even more freaked out than last time. This whole 'laying of hands' thing.....it's like......i don't even know how to describe it. What do you say about someone who makes people fall unconscious just by a touch? That's just scary. What else about Christianity can't i understand?

It's freakish. Yet i do want to see more. If only i could, but well......circumstances can't be changed. Maybe next time.

Argh, life just sucks today. Wasted half the day on a checkup for NS, then wasted the night trying to set up broadband.....and failing. Argh.

Why me?

Oh, i'm going for my NS checkup tomorrow, of all times. Not that i'm so bothered with it per se, but it's reminding me how close i am to being enlisted.

Why me.....sigh......

I don't believe it. Bad news, bad news, and more bad news from my computer. Spyware everywhere, apparently. Who knows how much anti-stuff i've downloaded, and it's still changing my homepage to an 'about:blank' thingy. WTF. If there's ever a time to format the computer, it's now. But no, my father is taking things slow and nice.....fuck.

And now me parents are warning me about converting too fast to another religion. Hello, do i look like someone who believes in blind faith? It'll take a lot more for me to believe anything, even after what i've seen at City Harvest, and i agree that i'm not mature enough to make such a huge decision. But still.....don't they trust me to recognize that for myself at the very damned least?

Now that i think about it.....they've asked me to visit the church again, as i've said before. I'm quite okay with it, except, what would my parents think now? They're already hinting that they won't like it much, even though they don't know, and.....argh. I'm getting a headache.

At least one good piece of news at the time of writing.....AVG has finally found the bugger where Norton has not, and my browser is free again. Hooray.

One last thing.....why hasn't anyone been on MSN lately? Studying, huh? I better go study too......

Well, so i went to City Harvest Church today. And i was at the service they held. What was it like?

One word: Whoa.

I don't really know how to describe it, but the first thing that comes to mind is: Jesus Christ Superstar. That's right, although i've never seen the movie, the whole thing was like, of all things, a rock concert, with a difference. The devotees, they were almost in a trance. There was singing, people jumping, people turning from calm personas to excitable 'fans', even Annie.....in short, it's about as far from a church service as i imagine. And i can feel the passion in each of them, and it's like, whoa. If they're this passionate in each Sunday service, what if someone questions their faith right in front of the whole lot of them? I dare not imagine.

I just realised a lot of things. Now i know where Ho Yeow Sun, the resident famed singer of the church, gets her voice training from. Now i understand the energy that drives people like Juan and Caleb, even though it hasn't yet touched me in full. Now i understand what City Harvest is all about.

Whoa.

They invited me to go back next week. Shall I? Hmm.....that's a tempting offer.

Well, I'm going to Annie's church today. For the ignorant, Annie is (or rather was) one of the Dance Club members, and for some reason, she invited me to her church a few days ago. Hmm....of all people, why me? Why me indeed, the person at school everyone else would rather avoid.

I dunno. Let's see what gives tomorrow.

Strange, isn't it? One moment, you could be pining for someone, ANYone, to come and give you a hug, be intimately comforting you, just lying in bed with you, doing nothing but hugging you, keeping you company through the lonely night. The next moment, you don't want anyone near you. You just want to be alone, to be the lonely island in the midst of the raging sea, facing everything life can throw at you, and anyone at all would be just a distraction to your thoughts, to your endeavours against life itself.

Conflicts within oneself. How much more can i deal with?

Went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind today. Verdict? A true masterclass of a film. Who knew Jim Carrey could be so serious? Well, him playing losers is nothing new. But this serious...... and you know what, it worked. He's believable as the loser dumped by Kate Winslet the crazy woman. The procedure.....a little far-fetched, but it does get you thinking. What if you could forget? Would you want to at that moment? The relationship may have soured, but do you really want to forget everything? Even the good parts?

The film takes a lot of thinking to understand. But once you do, it is a masterclass. Cheers.