Friday, March 25, 2005
I have set up my new NS blog. It's called "Pride, Discipline, Honour", the motto of the Singapore Armed Forces Provost Unit (SAFPU). Enjoy :)
It's been a while. Hey all.
Today, I've somehow been noticing one thing that I had totally missed before. That thing is the various methods by which people try to escape from reality. Now what do I mean by that? Simple. Everyone does it. Everyone has their preferred method by which they engage in fantasy, leaving behind the real world, for however long it may be. It's all different, and yet the meaning is the same.
Take me, for example. This afternoon, I was spending a lot of my time playing pop songs, old and new. Everything from A-Do, to Alicia Keys, and especially 3 of Jay Chou's more famous songs. Specifically, Long Juen Feng (Tornado), Shi Jie Mo Ri (End of the World), and An Jing (Silence). For me, it was a sort of refreshment, rejunevation, to just bury myself in the ideals of the melodies penned and sung by all these artistes. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it was refreshing all the same. It felt good just losing all my cares in the emotions that these melodies bring up, and it's my way of engaging in fantasy, of just turning my back on the real world, if only for a while.
That same afternoon, I was talking to Amanda, and she was talking about how the site used to be so vibrant. Then, I just realised that I've noticed another way people escape from reality. They work their minds. They do so in order to create another story, a story they would like to be in, and not the one they are currently in. Through the characters that they create, they give life to their dreams, and they feed upon the dreams of others, such that these others can feed and grow on the dreams of each other. Wait, am I making sense? Haha......that's what happens when you go for too long without alcohol and just decides to order a mug. Anyway, this is just another method. But really, there's so many.
Religion is another method. Celebrity worship is another. Still artistic endeavours are yet another. There's so many ways, really, but it's all the same. Everyone deserves a break from the world every once in a while, and if it results in something beautiful, why not? I'm pretty sure I've missed a few more, but then again, I'm too drunk to think much clearer.
Anyway, today was supposed to be a class outing. Utterly disappointing. Only JT, YT, GL, BK, YS, JC, and RL turned up, and after dinner, JC and GL left, and the rest of us bummed at a KTV joint. An utter waste of time. Quite disappointing. It's a shame that the rest of the girls couldn't be there, but it can't be helped. Real life has enveloped all of us, and we have been torn apart from our school days, however sad it may sound. And we'll have to deal with it, all of us.
Oh well. Wonder what the day will bring, huh?
Today, I've somehow been noticing one thing that I had totally missed before. That thing is the various methods by which people try to escape from reality. Now what do I mean by that? Simple. Everyone does it. Everyone has their preferred method by which they engage in fantasy, leaving behind the real world, for however long it may be. It's all different, and yet the meaning is the same.
Take me, for example. This afternoon, I was spending a lot of my time playing pop songs, old and new. Everything from A-Do, to Alicia Keys, and especially 3 of Jay Chou's more famous songs. Specifically, Long Juen Feng (Tornado), Shi Jie Mo Ri (End of the World), and An Jing (Silence). For me, it was a sort of refreshment, rejunevation, to just bury myself in the ideals of the melodies penned and sung by all these artistes. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it was refreshing all the same. It felt good just losing all my cares in the emotions that these melodies bring up, and it's my way of engaging in fantasy, of just turning my back on the real world, if only for a while.
That same afternoon, I was talking to Amanda, and she was talking about how the site used to be so vibrant. Then, I just realised that I've noticed another way people escape from reality. They work their minds. They do so in order to create another story, a story they would like to be in, and not the one they are currently in. Through the characters that they create, they give life to their dreams, and they feed upon the dreams of others, such that these others can feed and grow on the dreams of each other. Wait, am I making sense? Haha......that's what happens when you go for too long without alcohol and just decides to order a mug. Anyway, this is just another method. But really, there's so many.
Religion is another method. Celebrity worship is another. Still artistic endeavours are yet another. There's so many ways, really, but it's all the same. Everyone deserves a break from the world every once in a while, and if it results in something beautiful, why not? I'm pretty sure I've missed a few more, but then again, I'm too drunk to think much clearer.
Anyway, today was supposed to be a class outing. Utterly disappointing. Only JT, YT, GL, BK, YS, JC, and RL turned up, and after dinner, JC and GL left, and the rest of us bummed at a KTV joint. An utter waste of time. Quite disappointing. It's a shame that the rest of the girls couldn't be there, but it can't be helped. Real life has enveloped all of us, and we have been torn apart from our school days, however sad it may sound. And we'll have to deal with it, all of us.
Oh well. Wonder what the day will bring, huh?
Sunday, March 20, 2005
I went to the Australian University fair at Suntec today, straight after I booked out of guard duty. It's a good day for me, because if all goes well, today would be the last day I would ever have to face Pulau Tekong :D Adios, Tekong! Thanks for the memories!
Anyway, so I got there at around 9am.......only to find out it only starts at noon :S. So I had to hang around aimlessly at Suntec until then, and to be honest, walking around Suntec in your No. 4 uniform is weird when you're the only one around who's apparently in camo. But it was still worth it, for now I have access to options I never knew I had before.....of course, it's still all about money, but at least I have something close to a purpose in life.
But still, all that has to be put on hold, while I complete the rest of my NS obligations. Thankfully, I have been posted to Military Police, and from what I heard, it's a pretty slack vocation compared to many others I can think of. In other words, if I get even luckier, I can expect a 9 to 5 kind of thing, which pretty much suits me.
Alright then. That's all for today. See ya all around.
Anyway, so I got there at around 9am.......only to find out it only starts at noon :S. So I had to hang around aimlessly at Suntec until then, and to be honest, walking around Suntec in your No. 4 uniform is weird when you're the only one around who's apparently in camo. But it was still worth it, for now I have access to options I never knew I had before.....of course, it's still all about money, but at least I have something close to a purpose in life.
But still, all that has to be put on hold, while I complete the rest of my NS obligations. Thankfully, I have been posted to Military Police, and from what I heard, it's a pretty slack vocation compared to many others I can think of. In other words, if I get even luckier, I can expect a 9 to 5 kind of thing, which pretty much suits me.
Alright then. That's all for today. See ya all around.
Friday, March 18, 2005
I've gotten my posting today. Come Monday, I will report to Mowbray Camp, for my next stint and the rest of my life in National Service, as a Military Police :D Well, alright, so that's to be the course of the remainder of the 2 years of my National Service. That's just fine with me, in my opinion. At least it's better than some other possibilities I could have been posted to :p
Unfortunately, that's about the only piece of good news I have been getting all week.
Alright, so I know that my last entry was WAY over the top. But can you blame me for getting so emotional? I've been feeling exceptionally alone these few weeks, and I've been wishing that, just for once, I could find someone who........argh, forget it. There's no point saying this what I've been saying for the past few weeks, since it won't be any use. It's all just going to be the same.
Never mind.
Unfortunately, that's about the only piece of good news I have been getting all week.
Alright, so I know that my last entry was WAY over the top. But can you blame me for getting so emotional? I've been feeling exceptionally alone these few weeks, and I've been wishing that, just for once, I could find someone who........argh, forget it. There's no point saying this what I've been saying for the past few weeks, since it won't be any use. It's all just going to be the same.
Never mind.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Alright. I've had enough of this.
There's only so much I can take in life. I keep getting the short end of everything, my every effort is met with shortfalls, and I am forced to question my own character. I don't like myself, and neither do a lot of people. I wish there was someone I could talk to, but there's no one there. And that's because the one time I tried to open myself up to the world.....everybody has run away.
It appears as if I am fated to keep myself shut off from the world. Nobody likes who I really am, well, so be it then. I shall have to keep myself bottled up, like I always used to. I shall have to withdraw myself from this world, for it appears that I have hurt too many people unknowingly. I wanted nothing more than to be myself.......but no. It's over. I cannot be myself and not hurt people. Either I have to become someone I am not.......or I have to become what I was. There's no other way.
I can see that this diary shall slowly become, once more, the only means of expressing everything my heart wishes to say. And yet though everything I say in here used to be my secret and only mine, I know for sure now that is no more. Too many people know about this page, too many. I don't know......it could be that this diary will soon become the only one with public domain. I might just have to put my thoughts into something more private in the near future, and what would happen to this blog? For all I know, it will just become one more lie, one more medium to display everything I am not thinking. One more blog that shall put forth a shallow message, while everything else is hidden.........
I don't know. I don't care anymore. What will come, will come. Right now, all I'm feeling now is this:
In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)
What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Pretty apt now, come to think of it. And so it shall be. No more of myself. All you will get from me is a lie.
There's only so much I can take in life. I keep getting the short end of everything, my every effort is met with shortfalls, and I am forced to question my own character. I don't like myself, and neither do a lot of people. I wish there was someone I could talk to, but there's no one there. And that's because the one time I tried to open myself up to the world.....everybody has run away.
It appears as if I am fated to keep myself shut off from the world. Nobody likes who I really am, well, so be it then. I shall have to keep myself bottled up, like I always used to. I shall have to withdraw myself from this world, for it appears that I have hurt too many people unknowingly. I wanted nothing more than to be myself.......but no. It's over. I cannot be myself and not hurt people. Either I have to become someone I am not.......or I have to become what I was. There's no other way.
I can see that this diary shall slowly become, once more, the only means of expressing everything my heart wishes to say. And yet though everything I say in here used to be my secret and only mine, I know for sure now that is no more. Too many people know about this page, too many. I don't know......it could be that this diary will soon become the only one with public domain. I might just have to put my thoughts into something more private in the near future, and what would happen to this blog? For all I know, it will just become one more lie, one more medium to display everything I am not thinking. One more blog that shall put forth a shallow message, while everything else is hidden.........
I don't know. I don't care anymore. What will come, will come. Right now, all I'm feeling now is this:
In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)
What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Pretty apt now, come to think of it. And so it shall be. No more of myself. All you will get from me is a lie.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Yes. I have changed the background music of my blog, as well as my general philosophy. This song should be quite familiar to all of you, and it is a song that is close to my heart......now closer than ever. Hope you will all enjoy.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
It's not the best feeling in the world when someone manages to make you hate yourself. But that's exactly what happened.
What happened was, Jessa and her friend, whom I shall not name for now, sat me down for a good, long talk last night. And the things they said.......made me really hate myself for what I have been doing. And in effect, what I am. They've pointed out the hateful things that I have been doing, and to be honest, I am appalled. How could I have been doing such awful things, and not even realize what I was doing was wrong? What is wrong with me?
Well, now I know, but it's too late. Yes, I am insecure. Yes, I am clingy. And yes, I am guilty of playing around with friendships cynically.
And worse of all, yes, I confess I am ignorant of what I have done.
Not a very good set of traits, is it? But that is the real me. And I wonder just how many people I have hurt doing just that.
I'm going to need a few days for all this to sink in. I have to give myself some time to cope with the kind of person that I have become......I just can never do anything right, can I?
What happened was, Jessa and her friend, whom I shall not name for now, sat me down for a good, long talk last night. And the things they said.......made me really hate myself for what I have been doing. And in effect, what I am. They've pointed out the hateful things that I have been doing, and to be honest, I am appalled. How could I have been doing such awful things, and not even realize what I was doing was wrong? What is wrong with me?
Well, now I know, but it's too late. Yes, I am insecure. Yes, I am clingy. And yes, I am guilty of playing around with friendships cynically.
And worse of all, yes, I confess I am ignorant of what I have done.
Not a very good set of traits, is it? But that is the real me. And I wonder just how many people I have hurt doing just that.
I'm going to need a few days for all this to sink in. I have to give myself some time to cope with the kind of person that I have become......I just can never do anything right, can I?
Friday, March 11, 2005
I have no idea what I have done. And yet I know that it has changed things irreversibly.
Okay, now where should I start? At the beginning? I don't even have an idea where the beginning is. And besides, there's no point in it anymore. All I know for sure is that right now, the situation is in no way any good, and I may have become the cause of an extensive catastrophe, purely because of my presence. But wait, what am I doing? I'm just babbling away without explanation.......
Alright. So it appears that in the RP site which I joined last December, I have unknowingly created a crisis. Ever since I first joined, I have done nothing, nothing at all, that is right. The result: I have split the current members of that RP site into 2 camps, one who likes me........and the other who loathes something that I have done. Worst of all, I have little idea just what it is I have done to make the "leader" of the latter group dislike me so intensely, and while he has gotten support on his side, I've also split him from some of his best friends on the site, who now disagrees with how he has been treating me. I have literally perpetrated a sort of war, all centering on me........
That is not what I want. All I want was a smooth transition, not.....this. I still don't know just what is it I have done that has led to such a dire situation. And now, this chain of events have led to the "leader", and some of those behind him, getting warned or potentially even banned.......all because of something that I might have done.
And I still don't know what it is.
I wish I could say sorry. But when things have gotten this big, and you have no idea how everything happened, sorry seems to be the hardest word. No.......it's not the hardest word to say. It has become useless, it cannot bring across what I want to say. I never wanted this to happen, and I wish I could do something to undo everything. But it seems like this is not possible now.
I hate myself. I have been the poison between other people for far too long. I don't wish to be me anymore. I only wish I could fit in......but I see that is now, not possible. Anywhere I go, I will always only create discord, hatred, and finally, disaster. I have become the real-life version of Glass, wishing only to start anew......but forever cursed and haunted by the name of Darkmoon. But I am not he. And yet I might as well have been, for all the hurt, the damage, that I have done.
Somebody, please tell me. What can I do to make it all right again? I sincerely wish there's a way to resolve this.......but I cannot find any. And now I have to rue it with every breathe I take. Please......tell me how to turn back time.
Okay, now where should I start? At the beginning? I don't even have an idea where the beginning is. And besides, there's no point in it anymore. All I know for sure is that right now, the situation is in no way any good, and I may have become the cause of an extensive catastrophe, purely because of my presence. But wait, what am I doing? I'm just babbling away without explanation.......
Alright. So it appears that in the RP site which I joined last December, I have unknowingly created a crisis. Ever since I first joined, I have done nothing, nothing at all, that is right. The result: I have split the current members of that RP site into 2 camps, one who likes me........and the other who loathes something that I have done. Worst of all, I have little idea just what it is I have done to make the "leader" of the latter group dislike me so intensely, and while he has gotten support on his side, I've also split him from some of his best friends on the site, who now disagrees with how he has been treating me. I have literally perpetrated a sort of war, all centering on me........
That is not what I want. All I want was a smooth transition, not.....this. I still don't know just what is it I have done that has led to such a dire situation. And now, this chain of events have led to the "leader", and some of those behind him, getting warned or potentially even banned.......all because of something that I might have done.
And I still don't know what it is.
I wish I could say sorry. But when things have gotten this big, and you have no idea how everything happened, sorry seems to be the hardest word. No.......it's not the hardest word to say. It has become useless, it cannot bring across what I want to say. I never wanted this to happen, and I wish I could do something to undo everything. But it seems like this is not possible now.
I hate myself. I have been the poison between other people for far too long. I don't wish to be me anymore. I only wish I could fit in......but I see that is now, not possible. Anywhere I go, I will always only create discord, hatred, and finally, disaster. I have become the real-life version of Glass, wishing only to start anew......but forever cursed and haunted by the name of Darkmoon. But I am not he. And yet I might as well have been, for all the hurt, the damage, that I have done.
Somebody, please tell me. What can I do to make it all right again? I sincerely wish there's a way to resolve this.......but I cannot find any. And now I have to rue it with every breathe I take. Please......tell me how to turn back time.
Friday, March 04, 2005
The end result of 2 years of labour in PJC:
English Literature: B
History: C
Economics: C
General Paper: A1
'AO' Level Chinese: B4
In other words, an average result. Which means, I'm not as good as I could be, but neither am I at the depths. Also means that, although I meet the cut-off point, I may or may not make it into NUS.
And I don't give a damn. That feels really strange.
I mean, think about it. You've worked to get good results for the last 2 years. You should either be deliriously happy, or extremely disappointed when you get your results, whatever it may be. And yet, I don't feel a goddamned thing. Why is that? It should be very important to me, by right.......and yet it feels so trivial.
That's really strange. But I don't wanna dwell on it any longer.
Anyway, I know it's been a while since I last posted. But well, the last few weeks, either I had no time, or it was simply because I couldn't be bothered to do so. I'll be updating the Tekong Chronicles soon though, so if you people wish to see anything, it'll be there. But until then, I have no more thoughts to share. Later.
English Literature: B
History: C
Economics: C
General Paper: A1
'AO' Level Chinese: B4
In other words, an average result. Which means, I'm not as good as I could be, but neither am I at the depths. Also means that, although I meet the cut-off point, I may or may not make it into NUS.
And I don't give a damn. That feels really strange.
I mean, think about it. You've worked to get good results for the last 2 years. You should either be deliriously happy, or extremely disappointed when you get your results, whatever it may be. And yet, I don't feel a goddamned thing. Why is that? It should be very important to me, by right.......and yet it feels so trivial.
That's really strange. But I don't wanna dwell on it any longer.
Anyway, I know it's been a while since I last posted. But well, the last few weeks, either I had no time, or it was simply because I couldn't be bothered to do so. I'll be updating the Tekong Chronicles soon though, so if you people wish to see anything, it'll be there. But until then, I have no more thoughts to share. Later.
