[A.Z.] Everybody Hurts

Well, what do you know. The poem i thought i lost has returned to me. It's in my poetry blog now. Go read.

A line from Boey Kim Cheng.

"....irretrievable/ as the poems i have forgotten to write....."

That's right. Was going to write a poem about Kranji War Memorial, but i've lost all that feeling. I think it's irretrievable.

Or is it?

Kelly Clarkson. Ruben Studdard. Clay Aiken. American Idols, all.

Tonight, add Fantasia Barrino to the list. A true Idol, indeed.

What else is there to say?

Today was the last day of Dance. What do i feel? To tell the truth.....i'm relieved. It's been a torture for me, to be kicked to one side, and ignored for as long as i was there. Today was symbolic, because it meant I don't have to suffer that anymore. I'm relieved. That is all. I can't stand anymore of it. Thank goodness.

My time is up.

Right, so i've been targeted for this fuck-tarded Self-Study Program!? Crap. They say i can opt out with reasons, but i hardly think that they will accept the transport cost of $80 and i hour per trip as a valid reason. I'm gonna try anyway. And well, if they laugh it off......there's always a "car accident" to fall back on.

Crap. Why do i always get targeted for such bureaucatic bullshit?

Went to Kranji War Memorial today for evening class. It was an experience so sublime, i couldn't breathe. To face death in such a peaceful situation, so quiet and peaceful the atmosphere, yet so sad. Infinitely sad. Nobody should have to die the way these soldiers did. Soldiers? Some of them were children.....damned. It was touching, in a way i've never felt before. Shaken, i am. It just begs the question; what is the point of life? Why do we work so hard? What's the point? Life throws many curveballs; for some people, they would not survive some curveballs. For others, their loved ones will not. Friends, family......death can come to anyone. And no one will know until it is too late.

This is an example of a paradigm shift, isn't it?

I wonder how long this will stay with me.....

What a weekend wasted.....

Damn.

Sometimes, i sit down, and i think to myself, what happened? Why am i the way i am? Why am i not someone else? Could i have turned out more outgoing, more popular? More good-looking? More accepted? Why am i who i am? Why am i what others think i am? Is there no hope of me ever changing myself?

Then i figured, fuck it. This is the way i am, no choice but to deal with it. What else can you do?

Argh, talk about feeling guilty. Yesterday was Lindy's birthday, and to celebrate, quite a few of us skipped Sports Meet to go to Seoul Garden. And we had such a nice time too, especially the cooking for others part. Staying the whole afternoon, what fun. It was as good a birthday celebration as it can get.

So what happened today? Lindy's got food poisoning. Elaine and Sylvia's got high fevers. Wanrong is also sick. So is Seng. Me, Samantha, and the twins are just about the only people who are okay.

Guilty, man. I keep thinking 'what ifs'. Maybe i should've kept an eye on Slyvia's, Elaine's, and Wanrong's pots, and make sure they cooked it enough. Maybe i should've let the clam i gave to Lindy stay longer in the soup pot. And the fishballs for that matter. No, maybe i didn't cook the meat enough for her. And so on.

It just sucks. I keep feeling i'm responsible for what happened to them today.

Argh, crap.

Blogging from school. Well, the girls are nice enough to buy me a Clay Aiken CD today! That's so nice of them.....that's just so great. I'm happy.

Too happy, in fact. I'm having a 'happy' episode right now.....everything feels not so bad after all, i'm a lot more optimistic about life.....haha. Oh well.

Oh yeah, i've created a new blog just to house my inspirations. Some of my best so far can be found in the link on the sidebar. That is where i will blog every thing i think of from now on.

Friends is back again! Wee, i forgot when it was since i last laughed so hard, but watching the first episode of the last season.....whoo, it definitely was like welcoming back an old Friend in need.

And then i realised it's the last season. Bummer.

I was a late fan of Friends, but still a convert nonetheless.....i wonder what i would do after this last season ends. Withdrawal symptoms, perhaps.......

Oh, and it's my 18th birthday today. A boring day it was too.

Now i've told gabby about this. Let's see how he reacts.....

Have you ever felt that, you thought nobody understood you, and neither do they care to understand you? Your parents thought they know you best, so they don't care much more. Your schoolmates take you at face value, and what they think of you is what they get on the outside. Some, whom you used to call your friends for whatever reason, now they turn a cold shoulder at you. Well, not really a cold shoulder, but more like they are preoccupied all the time, and you're lucky to get a 'hi' out of them. Others use you for their own laughter, at your expense, and they keep on rubbing it in, as if they don't realise while you're laughing along with them, you're deeply hurt inside. And then, whatever it is, everyone thinks you are this or that, and you cannot do anything about it, but play the role allotted to you by others, and you end up like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, forever in the shadows, forever afraid to move their world to their wishes, instead of the other way round.

That's it. That's who you are in the public eye. That's all you would ever amount to be. Don't be an over-achiever, or bad things will happen to you. Just do your share of work, and be a good child, and that's all you have to do.

Then you go home. You reach home, and you face non-entities in your life, which are closest and yet furthest to you as you can imagine. You barely say anything to them, and one half of you wishes that there would be more conversation, while the other half would rather not have the kind of talk these entities would spout. You face the four walls. Four white-washed walls, and you can't make yourself get out. It's a veritable prison, the prison that traps your body, and your soul, alone, unable to seek company. You realise your life has been one big chunk of pointlessness. And you weep.

You weep. You wish there was someone who truly knows you. Someone who would hold you tight, and weep with you, for needing to feel cared for as you are, you also need to feel like you can care for someone else, and as you cry into your other's shoulders while she is holding you tight, caressing you where you want to be caressed, you also lend your shoulder to her, and she's crying into yours as well, and you are also comforting her, feeling her where she wants to be felt. And you don't need to talk for a long time, for all that needs to be said has already been said. She is your guardian angel, and you hers, and you'll give anything just for this moment to last forever, in the greatest, most pure, state of love. And nothing else matters.

Then you wake up, and it's another day to trudge through. Another day where you have to smile when you don't feel like it, listen when you don't feel like it, do things when you don't feel like it. And you sigh. You wish you never need to wake up, as long as she, your guardian angel, is with you. But you still have to wake up.

And again, you weep.

I'll be trying to add something to this blog soon, and perhaps i'll start a seperate blog for my poetry. Nothing new, as usual. Watch this space.

Well, there isn't much to say lately. So sue me. There still isn't much to say. I wish there was. All i can say is, i've broke a few personal records in the NAFTA tests. There's only chin-ups left. And oh, i've burned a CD of ballads i personally picked. I've been listening to it for quite a while now. Bored yet? Maybe you should stop.

It's all gone so bad for me nowadays. I have a home i don't feel like going back to every night, work piling up, and quite a bit of which i can't do, more negative words waiting for me at school. It just sucks. Real bad. Negative words at home, at school. I can't take this for much longer.

It's like everyone doesn't appreciate me for who i am. Nobody cares how much i do, they just see what i can't do. And they bitch about it day and night. And being the socially inept person that i am, i can't defend myself. Everyone thinks i'm the worst. They think only about theselves, they never think about the effect their actions have on me. Sigh.

I can't care much anymore. It just makes me sadder if i care.

And again i find myself wishing i was back in the OC days. At least i felt like i'm appreciated there.