[A.Z.] Everybody Hurts

I saw a squirrel today. And as far back as i remember, it was the first time i had ever seen one.

Today was damned boring. I mean, c'mon, 3 lessons total??? I like early days off as much as anyone, but getting off at 11.30am, for a J2, what's more, sounds like a massive admin fuckup. I suspect most makeups will happen on Friday, so......

And i'm starting to feel violence building up in me. Not anger, just pure violence. I'm afraid it'll burst out soon. And well, i don't wanna be there when that happens, except for the fact that i technically can't.

Well.

Brrr. Once i've not been posting for a few days, i know my life has reached a dead end. Again.

Well, the results of the Common Tests is coming out soon. I already know that i did.....well, not too bad for Econs MCQ. Let's see what the whole package looks like.

Then.......

Nothing.

Never mind.

There's nothing else to say anyway.

What do you expect?

Yesterday was okay. Economics wasn't as bad as before. Literature was not too bad.

Today was boring.

And i'm lonely.

Unbelievable. It looks like i won't do too well for today's Economics essay test. And not because i don't know what to do. Because there was never enough time to write what i wanted. There's bound to be some gaps. And i can't do anything about it.

Right. Now i don't want to think about it.

Death Of Youth

Cramming for yet
another nameless, faceless paper
that has to be passed
Or else.
All hopes hinge on tomorrow,
Succeed and face another higher trial
Or fail and crash into deepest oblivion,
No questions asked.

Is this what it is all about?
To produce only what society demands
and be dragged up another level
Or down?
To be just another number,
surrounded by mere figures,
inserted into a sea of statistics
To fill in the gaps?

And then to settle into staidness
and concentrate on minute details,
cash career maybe family,
Or not.
Forgetting that spark of youthful ambition
that could have grown to blaze a trail of fire,
stand out in history and die down to leave
An indelible mark.

Is it come to this?
That soaring hope has to give way
for the feel of concrete under feet
Or nothing?
To refrain from carving out a destiny,
for the chance to fly an ordinary pitch,
all because of the fear of crashing to
An ignominous end?

Is it thus our fate, to exist in
The City Where Dreams Die?

Tomorrow's the first day of Common Tests. History, to be specific. It's okay, i'm ready for History, but i'm not so sure about Economics. Literature i can handle.

So how would i do this time? I sure hope i would do good. Because if i don't they are going to start putting pressure on me to drop down to J1. I don't want that, and goodness knows how i react under pressure.

BADABOOM

Jeez.

Really, really sorry for my out-of-control rant yesterday. I'm losing my temper here. The noise was just too unbearable.

Argh, never mind.

And i have NOBODY TO BITCH TO, EXCEPT THIS FREAKING BLOG WHICH IS A POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A PERSON, DOESN'T EVEN REPLY, WHICH NOBODY READS, AND I'M GOING MAD BECAUSE THEY ARE MAKING A DAMNED LOT OF NOISE RIGHT NOW AND I'M GETTING A HEADACHE AND YET I CAN'T TELL THEM TO STOP BECAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE RESPECTFUL TO ELDERS.......WELL FUCK THEM! FUCK THEM ALL! FUCK THEM ALL FOR TAKING MY TIME FOR "TEACHING" ME WHAT IS "RIGHT" FOR BEING SUCH ASSES AND MAKING ME SUFFER ALL SORTS OF ORDEALS JUST BECAUSE OF "FAMILY" AND FUCK THEM!!! FUCK THEM ALL!!!

Please, somebody, make it stop. Please.

Unbelievable. One day gone, just like that. I've just survived yet another family barbecue, which i never liked very much anyway. What makes it worse is that i've wasted a whole night because of it, and at the time when i most need it too. Dammit.

Next time, i'm outta the house.

Great. Next week's the Common Test preiod. If i fail i'm going back down. And i'm not quite ready yet.

Damn.

The Search For Myself

Wandering, driving through
the views and expectations of
society, the image imposed by
others, by myself.

They know me as this person
in their lives, the one who has
a certain impact upon them,
nothing more.

And that's everyone cares about,
what they see, for they do not realise
there's something else behind the superficiality,
more substantial and yet unknown.

Yet how can they be blamed, for
they also hide their inner spirit
both from others and themselves,
and they don't even know it.

We are all cursed.
Until we find our way.

Lit lecture really blows today. "We are all lonely, we have to make the journey of life alone, etc."......hell yeah it's the case for me. What can i say? I have been lonely all my life, i've always felt i'm being made to suffer just because of who i am. I'm sure others feel something like that too. But they are lucky, aren't they? At the very least, they have their circle of friends who they can show the public side of themselves to, the perfect mask that hides the inner void.

Me? My public image is similar to what's going on inside. And my "circle of friends" lasted for only 5 months, and disappeared a month ago. And i haven't even so much as gotten their MSNs. I should be so lucky.

Oh well, i remember saying Mr Koh saying something like "God is dead"......ouch. That's not going to go down well with Juan ;p

So, i just watched American Idol, and the finalists are really great. They can really sing! Wow.....the envy of many, including me.

Which leads me to think; what would happen if i were to go for the auditions of Singapore Idol? I know i'll probably not get that chancce, but still.......i've seen contestants go through a total makeover from losers to winners just by joining, and they've really grown because of Idol. Would that happen to me? If i were to go for Singapore Idol, just how would it change me? Would i become a better person than i am now? Would i turn from a total loser into a winner? Would i find my calling?

I'm thinking about it.

Dust Angels

Walking back after a hard day,
another cruel, senseless ordeal,
Back to a house of conflicts,
of screaming, shouting, crying.

And kicking up the dust
that lies along the path,
the path that lies between
both sides of unhappiness.

Look at the dust, floating all around
like angels that rise up from the ashes,
to comfort those in need of faith,
before vanishing into the earth.

And when was the last time that
peace was all that mattered?
No more conflict. No more strife.
No more feeling lost.

Enough. No more.
Back to the everyday toil life has become.

Whew! Today's potluck was quite fun. Got to see everyone again, and the sense of friendship is back. The rain washed out most of the plans, but it's okay. What matters is seeing almost everyone back together again. The best thing was where they showed "The Making of.....Infinity" video.....and seeing everyone being so embarassing! lol.

And by the way, getting to see the Dionne, Isabel and the rest of the gals was also great ;p

It must have been a good day for me. When i left to go home, i stopped by the arcade for a game of KOF, and i finally managed to beat Mukai! YEEEESSSS!!!!

Haha.

Whee! Got a new handphone today! Spanking new, it's great! Now if i can only find a better cover to go along with it, plus an up-to-date ringtone.......

Better yet, tomorrow's potluck day! It'll be so nice to catch up with the musical people. Haven't really been with them since the musical, so this is as good a time as any. It'll be especially nice to hook up with gals like Dionne and Bell. Although i'll probably end up getting slammed by them again lol.

Well, i've probably flunked Theory today.

Like i care.

Otherwise.....i have nothing more to say.

Except that i've missed GP Seminar. I've explained it to Richards already, let's just hope she didn't forget.

Never mind.

GP Common Test today, and Theory Exam tomorrow. Just great timing, isn't it?

The common test wasn't so hard. The essay part, that was. I just put my feelings into it, same as usual. Now it only remains to see if my comprehension part is up to the mark.

Pessimistic though.

Anyway, Theory is up next. And i'm far from being prepared for it, what with procrastinating and all. I shouldn't have bothered trying, there simply is no time to study for it. So now i'm going into it tomorrow nearly blind. What a great situation.

And my handphone went bust on me. Oh, thank you so very much.

Life just sucks, doens't it?

Well, at least there's the potluck to look forward to.........

Well.........here i come again with a crapload of nothing interesting.......i gotta get myself a life.

Well, been bored stiff and read somebody's blog again. And you know what? It just struck me how empty my life has become. I'm reduced to watching other people's lives, watching them talk about their dreams, their hopes, their wishes for their future, while i'm right here, trying to gain an idea of what is human life all about, by watching somebody else's. Like a voyeur. Like a sicko. Like someone with no life.

And no one knows. Granted, Joel knows, but he probably doesn't care. Gabby knows, but i've given him the impression i'll give him hell if he blabs it to anyone else. Only Joel knows my blog addy for certain, and he's got his reasons for not revealing it. Gabby doesn't know, haha, loser, and i know his (not like it's that good a read, gabby's secrets don't amount to much). Others.......i think i'll keep secret for now.

Point is, whose life am i leading? I have none of the things which others have. I don't have a clear hope, dream, or wish. I'm just living my life day to day, and hating every moment of it which isn't spent on "leisure" activities.

I need a sign. And oh, forget religion, yeah?

Oh well, what? I'm just amazed by myself......i've got nothing much to say, nobody reads this anyway, so why am i coming back here every night? What am i hoping to achieve?

Never mind that.

Well, i came across Kit's messages on my hp inbox today, while i was clearing junk messages. It was during the OC period, near the end, and she sent the message to everyone, encouraging them at the time when we are busiest, getting ready for the real thing.

You know what? I haven't deleted them all this while.

Have you ever wondered why sometimes, your memories of a particularly important period in your life, seems to be made up of all the good times? And when you try to remember the flip side.....they come, but they aren't as vivid, nor as interesting as the good ones. It's the laughter, the friendship, the joy you remember, not the scoldings, the exhaustion, or the irritation at having screwed up yet another time.

It's all that's left, memories. Now i barely talk to any of them.

How sad is that? Huh? You tell me how sad is that, why don't you?

Just went to watch "Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights". Well? Isn't anything fabulous, for certain. The storyline is a little simplistic. However, it still managed to put across the very message i'm attuned to: You can be whoever you want to be. Don't let anything stop you.

When you dance, you are who you want to be at that particular moment in time.

Mood status? Crashed. Again.

Reason? None whatsoever.

No really, reason? I'm lonely, dammit. I'm wishing somebody would talk to me right now. Somebody my age, so that leaves parents out. Somebody who would be nice to me, so that leaves the Noisy Foursome out, and others like them. Face to face chatting, so that leaves Lindy while online out. Somebody who will be close to me, intimately knows me, someone who would take me for who i am, and not force me to change too much.

That just about leaves everyone else out, doesn't it?

Sigh......I am as good as an only child, aren't i? That's what i tell my mates at PJ. What they don't know is that i've been lying to them. I have a mentally-retarded brother. Yes, that's right. This is the secret i have been hiding from the rest of the world. Well, yeah, some people know, but most of PJ don't. Now, i don't exactly have that good a reputation in there, but right now it's all i've got, and if they knew........it'll be gone. No one would look at me quite the same way again. My life would be wrecked. I will lose everything i ever held dear.

Sigh......i'm lonely. I want company. Yet i'm scared of letting people get too close and know my secret.

What do i do?

Got my CLAO results today. So what is it? Nothing, just a B4, which basically means i skip all CL lessons from now on. That's good, isn't it? More time to settle stuff. So.....okay then.

What else? Oh yeah, Janice cried, and i barely felt anything. Oh jeez. What does that mean? I'm closing my heart off again? Am i becoming a statue again, incapable of compassion? Is my darker side taking over? It sure feels so. Something has been changing within me since the end of the musical, when the light in my life went out. Now, i feel only darkness, and i think i'm getting infected by this. Again. Only the presence of Lindy, Wanrong, and Elaine is making my life interesting now, and they can't stay forever.

Now what? This can't go on.

I've been reading my posts from the musical period, and the first thing that strikes me is how i always seem to have something to say.....unlike now. So, my cause of depression is right here. Go figure it out.

Well, i hung around with Lindy, Elaine, and Wan Rong today, and somehow i found it within myself to tease them, hinting at them sexually......like, WTF??? Since when did i become so.......creative? Anyway, it was quite fun today, being with them, watching and making them laugh and freak out. Haha.

And they gave me grooming and image tips at the end of the day. Oh well, can't hurt, can it?

But it's still a little sad though. The musical people, once so ebullient together, are now reduced to saying hi and bye each time they meet, me especially. What happened to that camaradie? What happened to that friendship?

Oh well.

I haven't been blogging since forever, huh? And to be serious, there isn't anymthing interesting anymore. Just the same thing. The same sucky things. No change. No news. Nothing interesting.

Somebody give me a life. The kind i had during the musical period. Or thereabouts. Just drag me out of this hole.