[A.Z.] Everybody Hurts

Jeez, it's amazing how fast one's mood can change. In my case, it isn't really so much a case of mood swings, as it is a case of one huge mood CRASH.

Believe it. I didn't blog for a few days, when just not too long ago i was doing so at least every other day. What does that tell you? It tells you that my life is empty again.

So just what happened for the week? Basically, the Group of Four continued with their noise pollution and their put-downs, the Dance Club dragged me along for rehearsals for Danceworks, and today was the event, and seriously i wasn't too interested in all of it. I see the musical people everyday, but i'm missing the camaradie when they're together. I'm spending a lot more time alone, not more than pre-OC, but i've lost time spent with people i consider friends, and i'm feeling it. Homework, tests, teachers, it just bugs me out. Add to that is the impending specter of Common Tests and the Theory Exam. And no more social support to bolster my emotions.

I shall say no more, lest it overwhelms me.

Went back to the first day of the real world today. Jeez, just one week in fantasyland, and i've nearly forgotten how lame Gaboo is, how venomous Joel's words can be,and how fucktarded Ben's face can look. And Teresa didn't come to school today too, so that'll mean i'll get another shock tomorrow when i remember how horribly noisy she can be.

Argh, it sucks. Give me back my friends.

A poem for the Chorus:

Infinity

A chapter of our lives just
passed us by today.
Another of our experiences
consigned to history.

Our loss we shall feel
very soon.
Our last hurrah we have
already cheered.

We shall feel this sadness
the more keenly with each day,
Yet be not sad, my angels,
Be not sad.

Our endeavours may have ended
Together as one,
But our story will endure
for infinity.

Yesterday was a blast. The musical went better than anyone expected. Talk about euphoria, everyone was so happy. It was quite tense during the process, everyone was so quiet for fear of spooking the mics. When everything was over and it was time for the Finale, the emotions were running SO high. It felt so good. I never had such a feeling before.

Afterwards, i went along with Di, Bell, and several others, along with the teachers-in-charge of the musical, to Al-Azhar at Bukit Timah to have a feast. Well, i was pretty stoned by then, but it was kinda funny to see them getting all high and laughing away. And the Bimbo Cheer......lol. They were doing it all night. And they had to push all their unwanted food on me. :S

Nevertheless, it was great fun. I stayed out later than i ever did, came home only at 1 AM. Anyway, it was great fun. I had the time of my life. The musical was the best thing that happened to me, it will stay as a good memory forever.

So why am i feeling so down?

Because it's over. The whole thing is over. The one thing that has made me truly happy, truly believing, my life truly wothwhile, has ended. There is going to be no more rehearsals. There is no more going to be with the Chorus. No more fun with Cherie, Bell, Kit, and Di. I'm going back to the real world. And it sucks.

I'm drifting, belonging nowhere again. Sigh......it's just as hard for the rest, i know, but they have their friends to return to, i have none. Where can i go? I don't feel like a part of the Dance Club. I don't feel like a part of A06. I don't feel like a part of anything. How did i live like this for 17 years and not feel it?

Help me, i'm scared.

Well, tomorrow's the big day. The for-real thing.

Jeez, i fucked up the preview today. Damned, damned, damned, damned, damn.

Best forget it.

Gee, it's only 2 days away. The real thing. And i can't fuck up. Not this time. This could be the thing that changes my life forever, for good or for bad.

This is it.

See you all Friday night.

Since i'm still thinking about the chorus people, might as well leave a message for some of them:

Dionne: Hey Di, it's been nice knowing you. Well, i never knew how to talk to you face-to-face, so i'll leave it here. Maybe you'll find this 10 years down the road, and you'll remember. Dionne, thanks for all the help. And all the memories. I will always remember your sweet face, your angel's face. Your sweet personality. The way you smile at me, so that my heart just melts. And your loudness. lol, i'll remember how you blasted me.

You're the person i find one of the most memorable all this time. I'll always remember you as an angel. God bless, Dionne. May your life be as blessed as your image.

Kit: Hey Kit, thanks for being one of the Chorus. You're such a funny girl, it's a treat to see you go all sweetly sulky whenever the others bullied you lol. Don't be scared of me, that attempt on kissing you was merely an attempt for an 'air kiss'.......you know i'm a little unbalanced sometimes, don't you? Anyway, after the musical, we might never talk again. I wish you all the best for the future.

Jess: We knew each other from J1, so i'll keep it short. Jess, you scare me sometimes lol. And your mood swings can really be lethal. Do keep it under control, huh? And you're always scolding me for some reason or other......i don't know why, but i suppose you have your reasons, don't you? God bless you in the future, Jess. May you find your peace, the peace you are looking for now.

Cherie: Hey Cherie!!! Nice working with you! Maybe we'll get around sometimes, huh? After all, Gerald may bring us together again after we leave PJ, so maybe we can remember the memories together, huh? A toast to your health.

Farhana: Hi Mummy!!! lol. In fact i DO think you are like my mummy, the both of you nag nearly as much lol. Anyway, nice to know you. All the best for the future. Until next time, Farhana.

To the rest: Hey, it's been good working with you all, you know? Thanks a lot for the memories, i'll cherish them always. May we go forth from this experience better people than before! All the best for the future!!

I got a load of candy from the gals of the musical today. That was pretty nice. There was even a container for it too. i'm gonna use it forever as a candy container, and i'm forever going to keep that message they gave me. How can i do anything else?

Sigh......Friday's the day of the real thing. No, i'm not nervous of the people who are going to be watching. Not going to be nervous because the minister will be watching. no, not at all. I'm nervous because, and only because, it would mean the end of the chapter of my life that began 3 months ago, when i joined the Dance Club in auditioning for a plan for a musical that would be titled Infinity. Over these months, i've joined the Chorus, aquainted myself with Pioneers i never knew existed, started on a journey that would all culminate into a grand finale this Friday. Over these months, i made new friends, i learned to do what i always wanted to do, i sang my heart out, i became a soloist, i had fun, i got scolded, i talked crap........for the first time, i truly belonged. And it's all going to end on Friday.

How can i not feel anything? i've made friends i would otherwise have never known. I care for these girls like i never did before (although i can't show it). I see them get mad, panick, cry, and i feel every bit of it. i don't care if they scolded me too often. God knows i need it. All i can think about, is what next? I don't want to lose them. i want it to last. I don't wanna forget the times we had. I want the times to repeat itself over again. This is where i belong. I have nowhere else to go. Please don't end it. Please.

How can i stand being alone again? i've tasted true friendship for 3 months. How can i give it all up?

Woot!!!! Got the virus out! Yippee! Now it's service resumed as normal.

So.....how about a character analysis of Janice and Yen Ting?

Janice and Yen Ting, because these 2 are virtually twins. They walk together, they do things together, they are almost like the real-life female versions of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. You can talk of them individually, but what's the point when alone, when they seem so incomplete without each other? Not that there's much to speak of them anyway, they are seriously air-headed girls. Then again, you can differentiate the loud violent Yen Ting from the shy, soft-spoken, scared Janice.

If you realised by now, how come all my analysis's are all centered on girls? Well, sorry, but my attention's usually focused on girls, guys of my sex are all boring to me lol.

I got a bloody freaking virus in my comp. What's the odds?

Thankfully it doesn't appear to be that serious, and probably easy to get rid of too. Gotta go home and try out some methods. Right now i'm using a damn school comp, and because of the delay i've lagged behind in my Net activities. Dammit.

Anyway, i did something really silly this week. I gave Elaine, Wanrong, Lindy, and Samantha a rose each. Now why in the world would i do that? After all, it's not something i'll normally do. But then again, 'normal' is a term that's not used with my name on it ;p

It beats even me, why i'll buy roses for girls. Well, actually it's not that strange, i've bought roses for Abigail before. That counts, right?

Isabel Lee fainted Wednesday. Jeez, she's just pushing herself too hard. What is it about people that they'll push themselves until they drop?

And oh, happy Valentine's everyone. Let's hope all of you have a better fate than i do.

Dionne broke down today. She's really stressed out, poor girl. She's too much of a perfectionist. Well, what can you say of someone who's not satisfied with 1 measly note when even the choirmaster thinks it's good? It really, truly, broke my heart. She's there, sobbing away, flaring up at the sheet of paper, trying to act as if this was all funny, while she was really distraught, failing to hide. It's enough to melt a heart of stone. Hell, it melted mine. So i stayed until she got it right and Mr Liew dismissed her, which i suspect he's been wanting to do with a reassurance if not for the fact that he has been trying to do it all along.

Well. It appears i do have a meltable heart after all. It appears i can be compassionate after all, even if they can't see it.

I said i'll do a character analysis every day. I think it'll have to be every once in a while.

Anyway, next will be Dionne, from the musical.

A first look at her, and anyone'll think,"Oooh, cutie". And in fact, she can be very cute, both in looks and in personality. In fact, it's the hobby of some girls in the Chorus to coo and squeeze her cheeks, which can be SO funny sometimes. And she can act cute also. All in all, you'll conclude that she's a cutie pie.

Until you get on the other end of one of her blastings.

Yes, she can also be VERY loud, and believe me, i've been targeted before. She can be real outspoken too, and from her petite size, that can be quite a shock. But then again, nobody should be surprised she's so loud......she's a soprano, for goodness sake.

Anyway, apart from that loud side, she can still be very sweet, and if she were given a white dress and white wings, she'll blend right in with the Community of Angels. Yes, she does look that innocent.

I saw Rebecca tonight. Yes, that Rebecca from BPGHS. She was there, at Yishun GV, just when i came out of the arcade. Just how coincidental was that? And what a flashback. I tried, but no, i couldn't say very much to her. Too nervous. All i wanted was her number. But she had a friend there. Too nervous. Couldn't ask her for her number 'just for the heck of it'. Just couldn't. Couldn't.

History has repeated itself. It all started way back in BP. I was still like that, seeing her, wanting to know her more, and yet i can't. I can't. I can't gather myself up to ask her the simplest things. I wanted to chat with her, but i can't. I wanted her number. Got her home number, yes, but when was the last time i called her? Haven't even managed her e-mail. She just holds me tranced.

I don't know why. Don't ask me. I'm such a loser. Sigh.

I've lost her trail again. So recently.

Sigh.

I'm starting to think that my life is lived only for the musical. I eagerly anticipate the next practice, I forget everything that's bothering me once i start, i have great fun, i am at my happiest during the rehearsals no matter what my mood was for the day, my social life just lights up while i'm at it, i can never think of anything negative, and often it's all i think about. Once the rehearsal's over, my mood plunges again. And everything goes dark again.

I am committed to this musical, now i know that. What i'm afraid is, after Feb 20, what then? It will be the end. No more rehearsals. No more laughing with the girls. No more teasing Dionne. No more getting teased by Bell. No more getting scolded by the soloists after a mistake (yes, i think i'll even miss that too). No more singing and not being told to shut up for a change. More importantly......no more camaderie. I'll be alone again. I'll belong nowhere again.

Somebody, help me.

I came home at........9.30 PM today. Whoa. Latest day yet.

But it was very fun, today's rehearsal. For it is not only a rehearsal, today, it was vocal recording today! And singing your hearts out, then listening to yourself afterwards, was really enlightening. Although near the end, i kept delaying the process by making the same mistake over and over again.......when is this ever going to stop?

Afterwards, we had a group video interview. As far as i know, it's going to be a pretty fun video, what with them acting silly and all. I personally said a bit of crap......lol.

Oh well......i'm tired. I want to sleep.

My next analysis will be of Teresa.

Well, what can i say of her. Outwardly, she's very pretty, having something of a mixed-blood look, and lively eyes and a killer figure to boot. Overall, in terms of appearance, she seems like somebody you would want to know. Until you realise that she really is a violent shrew, who whines at the slightest thing, and thinks very highly of herself.

Okay, so that was a bit harsh, but then again, it's pretty close to the truth (ouch). I mean, everyone would agree with my description, or even think it inadequate. Joel for one would know all about it. Otherwise, i don't really know much about her, except for the advice: Stay away if you don't want to get hurt.

Oh, and one last thing, she has quite a good fashion sense. I do mean it. Anyway, can't be bothered to say much more.

What a day. I lost my locker and all my stuff first thing in the morning, had to run to the general office, worked myself up for an hour before i went back and thankfully realised my things were not gone......just kept at the office. Then, i had to be informed that it was locker 52 and not 50 (WTF???), and had to drag my stuff around until 1 pm until the lady came and returned me my padlock. Then i had to battle exhaustion until now.

Jeez, what a day.

I'll continue my character analysis with Elaine.

Well, i knew her from last year, but it's this year where i can really observe her. What i think about her now, is that she's a sunshine girl, cute, pretty, and overall nice. Ok, maybe a bit of a ditzy airhead, who also defaults on homework like nobody's business, but then again, i default on homework all the time myself lol. Plus, she's just sweet, unlike Janice and Yen Ting, who can be downright sickening at times. Sorry.

Anyway, she's another i won't mind trying to be friends with. I don't know her well enough, and that's one thing i want to change.

Well, i didn't log anything into this for a few days, mainly because both days i came home late. So sue me.

Well, yesterday's outing was quite fun. Quite a lot of people went to Sam's house. We basically went there to eat pizza and stuff, watch a movie, chit chat, and basically hang around. Then at night, Sam decided she wanted to go kite flying, and we went to the field near her home. Nope, no wind, and the ground was muddy, which meant we went to the top of the multi-storey carpark instead. Still no wind, but it was kinda fun to see people running around the empty area like idiots, screaming away when the kites drop. Until it's my turn. lol.

It was also the first time i got to see the class in other than their school uniforms, away from a school environment, or should i say, in a casual environment. It told me a lot about them that i either never knew, or needed to be confirmed. I shall summarise. Gaboo is a sloppy dresser, who can't even be bothered to bring money along. Teresa is the undisputed style queen. Roger actually dresses formally for every occasion (that's like, wow). Elaine and Wan Rong dresses like twins in pink (and they look pretty nice, too!). Lindy is just the casual gal. Janice and Yen Ting dresses like cuties, as usual.

Oh well, so what can it mean? Hmm......