[A.Z.] Everybody Hurts

Whoopee!!! I got a nod for a second audition next Wednesday!!! Oh yeah!!!

Well, i'm happy, but i see many around me ambivalent about the musical. Some wasn't interested at all. Argh, never mind, what matters is that I am interested in participating in this! After all, it's the first time in my life i ever had a chance to do this. So bring it on!!!

But.....the audition is on next Wednesday. And the giving out of the promo results is next Monday.

What if i don't do well? What if i get retained? Will i still have any interest left?

The Judgement Day is coming. It's scary, but it's true. Everyday i'm waiting, anticipating, both for good, as well as bad news. It's killing me. What's the suspense for anyway?

Nothing i can do but keep waiting then.

Might just compose a poem one day.

Tomorrow is the real SAT deal. Ok then........

Another dead day. Almost everyone wasn't present today. Karin and the Airheads all came in only this afternoon for the SAT. Nothing more.

Right now, I'm waiting. Waiting for tomorrow, where i would find out the results of the Opening Ceremony audition. Waiting for Saturday to take the SAT. Waiting for Monday to find out my promo results, and whether i would advance or retain(God forbid). Waiting for Friday after next to take my Chinese 'AO' Level exam. Waiting for Abigail to finally reply.

Just waiting.

Yesterday it was Karin, today it was gaboo. He looked funny, running to the toilet every now and then. Haha. Wonder if the class is going to shrink as the days go by?

Auditioned today. Damn, had to wait like what seemed like eternity before it was my turn to go up. It all went pretty well, i danced the same dance as the rest of the club members, which guarantees me a dance role at least, and i think i did pretty well for the drama audition. Hopefully this means i'll get to be Shawn. Haha, he's just like me, too many words, plus irritating;p The singing sucked though, i barely started and they said,' Thank you'. Lol. Well at least i didn't expect to sing well anyway, so there it is.

Pretty fun, although it was a little scary, with the dark LT4.

Later.

Nothing much again today. Got the materials for the audition tomorrow......hmm, i should be able to pass that one. Hopefully i'll make an impact on the judges tomorrow!!!

Karin got sick today. She looked awful, poor girl. Really wished to comfort her, but i couldn't, cause no matter what, i'm still the outcast, the rest would only push me away if i did anything. All i can do was look at her, hoping she's gonna be ok, while getting dirty looks again from the class for staring like a freak. Sometimes it really hurts, but it's the fate i created for myself, nothing else i can do but see it through.

Sometimes, i wonder why i behave the way i do. Can't i just make my life easier by conforming for once? Am i such a loser that i have to live my life a lone ranger? Sometimes, when you reflect upon yourself, you realise you've been stupid. So what else can i do? Nothing. Just go on being the freak, cause that's what you made yourself out to be, and that's what everyone else thinks of you, and that's not going to change anytime soon.

Anyway...........

Dead beat. Completed the SAT tour de force tonight, improved, yeah, but i'm sapped. If i'm already sapped in the comfort of my home, wonder what the real deal's going to be like......a nightmare, no doubt. The rest of the class has been rather quiet lately. Don't even see them much online recently. Maybe it just proves how much of a loser i am, the rest are probably out partying, spending time with their loves, etc. Damn, just how much of a loser am I? It's enough to make me want to cry. No matter now, it's probably just my poor fate.

Dead beat. No inspiration to do anything at all. Let's see what kinda materials they are going to give for the Openin Ceremony........

Nope, not giving out results today.......it's next monday. Oh well.......anyway i'm at school with nothing to do again. Damn.

OMG......just realized that this week's the week they give back our scripts, which mean i'll know how i do this week. ARGH!!! Damn, Judgement Day.......make that Judgement Week is coming up just tomorrow.....oh no.........

Argh, still dried up.......nothing but fear now. I wonder how i'm gonna make it through this week........

Not much to say recently. Chinese 'A' is coming up, and my parents are razzing me about it. Oh well, I guess they are right on this score........

I'm bored stiff. Nothing to study but Chinese, not even feeling up to doing any SAT since i don't think it's that hard, basically, i'm petrified with boredom........don't even hear all that much from any a06 people nowadays, not that it's a bad thing........

Later.

SAT lecture again. Makes we wonder what i paid more than 50 damn bucks to listen to what i didn't need to hear. Damn. And there's nothing much to say again.........oh well, at least my muse came back.

And here's what my muse gave me today:

Parting

Still standing before
The point of no return.
Waiting to pass throughthe gateway,
That takes me from the last chapter
Of my story. Yet I tarry,
I'm still here, waiting
Waiting for you.
Are you coming?

Still can't forget
The last time we were together.
Can't forget those beautiful eyes,
That implored of me what despairing words
Couldn't convey. I'm sorry love,
i have no choice, i can
Only leave you.
Are you still mad?

Still remember
The love we've shared.
The thicks and thins we've been through,
That breaks my heart as I endure the effects
Of its demise. Yet I pine,
I want to say, again,
I love you.
Can you forgive me?

Still waiting here, before
The point where we will part.
Waiting to glimpse the vision
That will answer the desperate prayers
I've been praying. I'm waiting love,
Just want to see, and hear
And feel you once more.
Will you come before I'm gone forever?

Just let me see you
One last time
Before our parting.
Please.


Don't ask me how i came up with this........i never even have a gf before, so i'm wondering myself.

Woot.......got an Open House meeting today, turns out the Dance Club's gonna be involved. that'll mean work for me all through February:(.......at least it'll be fun, and probably some CCA points and something new for my resume to boot! :D

Nothing else though, and i'm starting to dry up........:(

Man, today was scary. Jerry had a go at me with his big mouth, telling me to f*** off and all that. Seriously, i never did anything to him recently. What's his problem?

Him shouting at me was not the scary part though. The scary part was that i felt.....nothing. No fear. No anger. Just a kind of coldness inside of me, i wasn't so intimidated by him as i was like, plotting a most ugly fate for him in my mind. Blood seeping out of a bite wound in his neck, bones broken to pieces.......no, wait, i don't want to remember.

Wonder what's gonna happen tomorrow. Now, i'll probably fear for my classmates everyday, afriad for them, that they'll awaken the darkness inside me and get themselves hurt..........

BOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNG. That's a word i have been using to describe my past few days straight...........no results given out, no teachers, whole morning wasted.........it just plain sucks now. I'm kinda becoming freaky......no wait, make that FREAKIER.......just plain BORED!!! Sorry about that, but there's really nothing good to say right now.

However, here's a new one:

Lesson Unlearned

Met you as usual one Sunday afternoon,
You were crying most sadly ever so soon,
Said he's ditched you over the phone,
And now you're all alone.
I take you in my arms, trying to comfort,
Whispering condolences, and denouncing him as dirt,
And yet I can't help but think to myself,
Your lessons you left unlearned, you're not helping yourself.

Even as you sob, your face on my shoulder,
Oh, tempted was I to say how silly you were,
Questions I wanted to ask of you,
Why do you persist in love through and thorugh?
Why do you persist in loving in vain,
Getting fooled by players, again and again,
Onlt to suffer the agonies, the pain?
In the end, girl, you've nothing to gain.

Met you as usual one Sunday afternoon,
You were beaming most brightly as if you've had a boon,
Said you've found this nice guy one day,
Now you're going out with him anyway.
All i can do now is sigh all too late,
For what i know would be your inevitable fate,
And I wonder how I'll turn out, when I become a part,
Of the target list of Cupid, and thy accursed dart.

Been reading Joel's blog(again, yeah, loser me). No poems, he's dried up for once;p However, he seems to have an interesting life, what with 3 exs and all. Oh well......shouldn't be nosing around, but that's just my human nature working;p

What can i say now? Learned a new word 'blogstipation', and it definitely applies to me currently. My life is so boring now, there's nothing to write about. I'm not as mad as i'm used to, i'm also suffering a dry spell poetry-wise, college is just dead, and basically life sucks, at least not as much as it did recently.

Well, my dry spell just ended. Here's one:

Defeated

Another one defeated,
Another one bites the dust.
Another one falls prey, to
Another one of life's trials.

Another one in the obituaries,
Another one to be buried.
Another one to be mourned, to
Another one of those last rites.

Another one who couldn't live on,
Another one who asked 'Why me?'
Another one who was beaten, to
Another one of those days.

Another one of those sad stories,
Another one of life's mistakes.
Another one whose life has prematurely ended, to
Another one who wanted to die anyway.

Why?

Today was real busy. Open House in the morning, Piano in the afternoon, and i reached home only at 7. I'm real beat. Open House was okay though. Played DDR, sucked at it, and basically hung around with nothing to do, but i met up with Ruisong, and he brought me up to date with recent happenings. The ex-BP people in PJ all met up today. So, ok.

Abigail finally replied to me today. Said she's worried about the promos too. Hmm.....exams are a neccessary evil, but when is too much too much??? Oh well. NJC's open house is next Sat. Might go take a look.

Next time.

Been going for Dance yesterday and today. Didn't know why, since i'm not even going to be dancing anyway on Saturday:S Oh well, manning the DDR machine for Open House would be fun. At least i think so.

Anyway, still feeling a little lost. Now i don't know what to do, don't know who to be, don't know what to say, to anyone. All i can do now, is to wait for my promo results, hack away at Zero Hour, remember old times, wait for something to do, and hope that Abigail will somehow contact me again. Yes, life IS that boring now, and to think the real stuff is coming barely 2 weeks later. Damn.


Next time.

Career seminar today *yawn*. Booooorrrrriiiinnnng. Not even educational nor informative, although journalism sounds a little interesting........

Abigail should be done tomorrow, since she said she'll chat with me tomorrow. Oh yeah, that's cool.

Otherwise, nothing much to say today. Don't even know why i bothered to log on. Oh well, c'est la vie, as they always say.

Here's something:

Tired

Tired.
Really tired.
Tired of life,
tired of the world.
Tired of school,
tired of it all.
Tired of my family,
same thing of my friends.
Just tired.
Really tired.

Tired.
Damned tired.
Tired of enmity,
tired of hatred.
Tired of jealousy,
Tired of my rage.
Tired of being mad,
being mad at the world.
Just tired.
Really tired.

Sleep.
Just want to sleep.
Sleep off the sadness,
Sleep off the pain.
Sleep off the day,
Sleep it all off.
Sleep off the heartburn,
of another bad day.
Just sleep.
Really sleep.

Forget.
Just want to forget.
Forget my troubles,
Forget my woes.
Forget my pains,
Forget it all.
Forget the trauma,
of another chapter of pain.
Just forget.
Really forget.

Cry.
Just want to cry.
Cry away my fears,
Cry away my problems.
Cry away my concerns,
Cry it all away.
Cry away the memories,
of another period of depression.
Just cry.
Really cry.

Tired.
Really tired.
Tired of life,
tired of the world.
Tired of school,
tired of it all.
Tired of my family,
same thing of my friends.
Just tired.
Really tired.

Yesterday, the Week From Hell officially ended. Yippee!!! Bought a new game, and spent the day playing it. Haha......other than that, nothing much, i don't even feel like the end of exams is anything new anymore. Guess this is a sign that i'm getting bored with life......

Anyway, today was a real drag. Lost 2 chess games i didn't even have my heart in, and then it's PW time.....again. Can you say: Boooorrrriiiiinnng???? And i'm expected to come back to college tomorrow too. Sigh........

Now that i've got time to blow again, i'm a little lost, to say the least. What should i do? That new game takes up time, sure, but i can't play it forever. Now i need someone to talk to again, although i'm not feeling nearly as bad as i know i can be. It doesn't help that at the end of the day, you're still as outcast as before. I'm thinking that should this go on, i'm going to start writing poems again, dark ones with no hope in them.

Wondering how's my friends in other JCs doing. I only know about Abigail's situation and those that are in the same goddamned place as me, but the rest, i've lost all contact with them. Wondering whether it's time for a class reunion again.......

Anyway, next time.

Blew through Economics today. Actually, didn't do much studying.....either i already knew the theories to death, or something else. Tomorrow is the for-real no-shit last day, then i'm gonna start enjoying myself totally. For now.

Watched Star Wars: A New Hope tonight. Noted just how un-Gothic it was. The Gothic texts were all about amorality, gray areas, etc. Not so Star Wars, it was good against evil, pure and simple. Kinda refreshing especially after a full year of racking my brains over the Gothic themes and conventions.


Read Joel's blog today. i swear, that guy could be a poetry machine whenever he feels like it. His poems aren't half-bad, too. How does it do it? Especially in the thick of an exam period too. I really have to get in a really depressive mood before i can come up with anything decent, but him......oh well.

Next time.

Well......just studying for Economics today. Didn't want to go for this morning's Economics makeup, but turned up anyway, only to find out it's a whole lot of nothing at all, just like i feared it would be. Oh well......it's still studying, right?

Otherwise, was slacking about a lot today, playing computer games, like it was not the exam period. Only studied at all at night. Well, there's always tomorrow. Otherwise, nothing really interesting happened today.

Here's a poem:

When We Were Young

Looking back after so many years,
At the times we had before,
Our joys, our pains, and all our tears,
Now they seem so far away.

Now that we've grown up and moved on,
Chosen our own paths on the journey of life,
Do you remember our common bond,
So long ago, yet it still feels like yesterday.

Do you remember, when we were young,
The things we've said, the things we've done,
Together, forever as one,
Now, we meet again today.

Now, we see that we have changed,
No more the young guns that we were,
But yet, we may be no longer young,
The memories we still hold dear.

For you my friends, i hold a toast,
For the times when we were young.

Beyond Hope

Lone figure there, standing still,
On the brink, of the dark abyss,
With no light in the eyes, soul already gone,
Vanished forever, in the tides of time.

Ravaged by demons, the dark side of life,
With helpless Hope, still stuck in Pandora's Box,
Salvation impossible, damned for Eternity,
Pity the sting, that was the last straw.

See the figure falling over, wonder how,
What sufferings were borne, with no outlet left,
Such that everything has to end, the legacy left forever,
Of a life wasted, stretched beyond hope.

Well......the Gothic paper did not go smoothly today.....at least it wasn't as bad as i feared it would be. On the bright side, the Week From Hell is almost over!!! Just one more damn day left, and i'm homeward bound!!!

Well, feels like holiday already. Wonder how's Abigail doing? i hope she gets through her promos. No longer worrying about myself, how i'll do for my promos, after all, once it's over, it's over, no more point in worrying about something you can't change. If i fail to make it, well then, it's just c'est la vie, which means that's life in French. Or should i say not in the French language, but the Freedom language?

Anyway, i'm not worrying anymore, about anything, at least not until it's time for the last paper.

Here's something:

Anger

Boiling over,
Burning up,
Keening anger,
Fiery, red.

Why so fed up?
Why so mad?
Why the anger?
Why, oh why?

What has the world
Done to you,
That such hot rage,
Burns your soul?

Be cool my friend,
Be not mad.
Life is still good,
Treasure it.


Boiling over,
Burning up,
Keening anger,
Fiery, red.

Ok.......Idle Thursday is gone, and tomorrow's Friday(duh). That means the Gothic paper tomorrow(duh). Well, i've been mugging away all day at this, and i still feel none the wiser about it(uh oh). Sigh.....at least now i can tell the difference between conventions and themes now. Hopefully that'll be enough for my inspiration to take over tomorrow, like it did on Wednesday.

Anyway, suddenly, i feel very sad. No reason at all. Just a little nostalgic, and this time it's not just about Abigail, although of course she's never far from my mind. I'm thinking about the days we used to have, and what would a class reunion be like.........i've been thinking about that ever since i watched 'High School Reunion'.......;p

Hmm......now that the Week From Hell is almost over, my mind is wandering all over the place again. Thinking about this......then that.......wonder how i'll do tomorrow, wonder what's for breakfast tomorrow, wonder how Abigail's doing for her promos, wondering how Joel's going to act tomorrow.......argh, stop it already.

Anyway, chow for now.

Well.......hey hey, i woke up this morning expecting to be feeling like shit at the end of the day, and right now, i'm feeling just fine. No wait, that has got to be one heck of an understatement. I actually passed a paper i thought was a lost cause. Yes, i am talking about Literature, Papers 5 & 8. I really thought that this paper would be a goner, as i've done badly all year round for TGOST and PC. But.......suddenly, just by cramming one day before the actual thing, i not only managed to do sufficiently, i managed to do quite well for my standards. I have a good feeling about this test, like i've never done before.

Looking around at my classmate's blogs, i realised that a few of them seemed to have flunked today's exam. Hmm.......so why am i doing so well instead? Maybe it was just a fluke, maybe that can of coffee helped me woke up to the wonders of Literature for once, maybe.......anyway, who cares, as long as i think i've done well. As long as i just do the same thing for Friday's paper, i should be safe.

Here's a rambling thought that i've not been able to get out of my mind until i've set it on the blog.........

Do you believe that in every person, there is a dominant emotion that characterizes our personalities, our characters, our image in front of everyone? Just like Velutha's dominant emotion is Love in The God Of Small Things, we might all have a dominant emotion acting as our guiding light, the force that compels us to act the way we do. Perhaps, it's this dominant emotion that is really the basis of our being. Maybe we ARE guided by our dominant emotions. The question is, what is our dominant emotion?

Personally, i am unsure as to what my dominant emotion is. My best, educated guess, would be Anger. Yes, I may very well be motivated by a sense of Anger. It may very well be why i worked so hard to do well in my 'O' Levels, to beat those who angered me, it may very well be why i am unable to accept that i am totally subject to rules, it may even well be the reason i act the way i do at college.

Yet......to me, Anger just didn't seem enough to explain away how i feel. Maybe there's something else at work, a seconadary emotion maybe?

Who knows. In the meantime, it may be a good idea to find out what is the force that drives us, to understand ourselves better.

Well, the first 2 days of the Week From Hell is over and done with. History was okay, hopefully SEA won't pull me down too much, Chinese was surprisingly easy, hey not bad work, and as for Economics.........well..........i'm not sure how well i'll do. Uh oh. I'll probably fail that if i'm unlucky, which means i'll probably have to buck up on my MCQs and my data response. Oh well, that's life.

Actually, the worst part is over. The remaining aspect of the Week From Hell is merely Literature, which i have not had much hope of passing anyway. Aw.....i shouldn't say that. I'm sure if i just use whatever inspiration i've got, and i know that's one quality i have lots of, i should make it. Hell, as long as i've got the concepts hammered in my head, i'm sure my creativity will finish the job. That's it, i'll just beat the concepts in my head then, just like i did with TGOST today. And then, i'll hope for the best.

Haven't really had time to think as deeply as i like to. Maybe, that's why some people like to work so much, because it allows them to forget everything. Well, this exam has had one good side effect, i'm not thinking about the past as much as i used to, although i'm pretty sure that'll come back once the exam's over.

Anyway, lyrics to a really good song by The Corrs:

Everybody Hurts

When your day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well hang on

Don't let yourself go
Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
(When your day is night alone)
Hold on, hold on
(If you feel like letting go)
Hold on
If you think you've had too much of this life
Well hang on

Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts

Don't throw your hand
Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
When you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you're not alone

If you're on your own
In this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
Of this life
To hang on

Well, everybody hurts
Sometimes, everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes

And everybody hurts
Sometimes

So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
(Everybody hurts
You are not alone)

Very nice song, even though it's pretty old. It's one of my ways to destress, to find new faith in life. Download it, it's really good!

Message To The World

Hey world, it's me.
I'm eighteen today.
I'm an adult now.
I'm ready for you, won't you say?

Hey world, I'm excited.
Today I can truly be someone.
Today I'm a citizen of the community.
Today is important, don't you see?

Hey world, I'm scared.
Why do i see war everywhere?
Why am i seeing my friends cry?
Why am i feeling so stressed?

Hey world, I'm ready.
Ready to be betrayed.
Ready to lose my trust in everyone.
Ready to be disappointed again.

Hey world,don't you see?
Don't you realise?
Don't you know?
Tell me, aren't you aware,

That you're all screwed up?

Crunch time beckons. Tomorrow, the 'Week from Hell' officially starts off with a shot of History. Well, at least History is one of my stronger subjects......is it??? Never mind, all that matters is that i'm ready for it. Bismarck, Cavour, the Tsar, SEA........bring them on. Pass or fail, it doesn't matter now, it's all about getting it over with.

Now, i've no more time nor mood for brooding. Nothing else to it. Abigail sent me a mail today, but it's just a forwarded mail, no message at all. Well, can't really expect her to take time off to talk to me, yeah? Not at this time.........BTW, must remember to give her an encouragement, even if she doesn't get it, as most likely will be the case:S

Will be back.........

Blew through SEA today. Sigh.......Why do i have the feeling of too many such days???

I'm really feeling like shit. Feels like knives have pierced me over and over. My troubles are beginning.......no confidence for the promos, lost contact with Abigail again(not that i blame her), nobody i can trust with my worst fears, etc. etc. I'm so messed up, feel like my life's coming apart, feel like i just wanna run away, get some plastic surgery, run to NZ, start my life all over again. I'm done with being me. At least that's my thoughts running riot through my head right now.

I know i've got responsibilties, blah blah blah, but when is too much JUST too much??? I'll rather be someone else, God knows i'm no use to anyone now. Maybe i'll totally turn myself into a Caucasian. They STILL have it best in the world today. What about being a Latino??? Hell, i can do a lotta things, but is it going to help?

I'm messed up right now, but i'll be back with a poem, i can sense it coming.

[ Fri Oct 03, 07:36:30 AM | Kai Lim | edit ]
Well, so i lied. I'm still keeping those blogs coming in, and i probably will when i find the time. So sue me. At least i'm still studying hard for my exams.

Anyway......now that my first paper is over......i feel strange. I've been hyping myself up for the promos, no matter what impression i have made over my last few entries. Now........I really feel like there are better things for me to do out there than to take these exams. I should catch up on friendships.......Yes Joel, i DO have friends, no matter what you think. I should sign up for some singing lessons: God knows i need to sing better. I should focus on music, that's what i'm interested in, not the damn things i get every day in the education system, music is what i wish to start a career in, most probably a backstage job. I should.....there are so many things i can do, EXCEPT remaining stuck here.

I really dunno, i'm getting fed up, but that's becoming an everyday thing..........

Well, so i lied. I'm still keeping those blogs coming in, and i probably will when i find the time. So sue me. At least i'm still studying hard for my exams.

Anyway......now that my first paper is over......i feel strange. I've been hyping myself up for the promos, no matter what impression i have made over my last few entries. Now........I really feel like there are better things for me to do out there than to take these exams. I should catch up on friendships.......Yes Joel, i DO have friends, no matter what you think. I should sign up for some singing lessons: God knows i need to sing better. I should focus on music, that's what i'm interested in, not the damn things i get every day in the education system, music is what i wish to start a career in, most probably a backstage job. I should.....there are so many things i can do, EXCEPT remaining stuck here.

I really dunno, i'm getting fed up, but that's becoming an everyday thing..........