Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Now is crunch time. The promos are only 3 days away, and this would probably be the last post for a while. Yet.......I can't help it. It almost seems as i can't do anything anymore, and neither do i care as well. I don't really know......what do i do after this? I probably can't pass, which means i'll be retained, but no more, no more JC life for me unless it's the last stretch. One year of this crap i've gone through has told me loud and clear that i'm not able to live with it.
Actually......JC life was never my first choice. Not at all. I always wanted to go straight to university overseas. 10 years of strict, inhuman, cold, inflexible Singapore education is enough. It was always a university in Australia as my first choice.......if not for National Service. I couldn't go for an overseas degree, all because i have to serve my National Service first. Not that i have anything against NS, in fact i think it's reasonable, but it restricted me, and i made the.......choice? Mistake sounds more like it. I should have signed up for NS straight away, blast through my 2 1/2 years, and then go overseas..........and again, like i've said before, hopefully never come back.
Anyway, I think if i fail this promos, neither will i suffer the humiliation of being retained, nor will i switch to the polytechnic. I will go for NS first, like I should've done before. Then..........
Actually......JC life was never my first choice. Not at all. I always wanted to go straight to university overseas. 10 years of strict, inhuman, cold, inflexible Singapore education is enough. It was always a university in Australia as my first choice.......if not for National Service. I couldn't go for an overseas degree, all because i have to serve my National Service first. Not that i have anything against NS, in fact i think it's reasonable, but it restricted me, and i made the.......choice? Mistake sounds more like it. I should have signed up for NS straight away, blast through my 2 1/2 years, and then go overseas..........and again, like i've said before, hopefully never come back.
Anyway, I think if i fail this promos, neither will i suffer the humiliation of being retained, nor will i switch to the polytechnic. I will go for NS first, like I should've done before. Then..........
Sunday, September 28, 2003
Well, haven't really had anything to say recently.........
What can i say??? Other than that the Promos are coming, and that i'm probably gonna fail??? The thing is, i don't really care......and that scares me. When i was in BPGHS, i used to be worried about darn near every exam that comes along......mainly because i know that the 'O' Level cert was so important, if i don't get it i might as well commit suicide....... but now, if i fail the Promos and get retained......who knows, i might just quit college and find myself another way out there. I have the 'O' Level cert now, at least i'll be safe in Singapore. Maybe i'll strike it out there.......who knows what will happen???
Anyway, i'm going into this exam with a vastly different mindset from before. Let's hope it doesn't cost me.
What can i say??? Other than that the Promos are coming, and that i'm probably gonna fail??? The thing is, i don't really care......and that scares me. When i was in BPGHS, i used to be worried about darn near every exam that comes along......mainly because i know that the 'O' Level cert was so important, if i don't get it i might as well commit suicide....... but now, if i fail the Promos and get retained......who knows, i might just quit college and find myself another way out there. I have the 'O' Level cert now, at least i'll be safe in Singapore. Maybe i'll strike it out there.......who knows what will happen???
Anyway, i'm going into this exam with a vastly different mindset from before. Let's hope it doesn't cost me.
Friday, September 26, 2003
FINALLY!!!!! The project work.......IS OVER AND DONE WITH!!! YEEAAAHHH!!!!!!!!
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Sorry, just going mental again;p
But i am so happy........finally, this thing is out of the way. Am i glad for it.......those college authorities set the dateline so close to the promos, the whole class have been rushing to get it done. No wonder they were so short-tempered the last few days, the PW really took our time off from studying for promos. And then, when half the level fails because of the fact that our time to study has been cut short, Mr Kwek will be like, 'I am disappointed, Pioneers', again. Sigh......those 'up-theres' never really understood, did they? Of course not, they were the ones who set the questionable dateline in the first place........:S
And then, Mrs Yeo made up promise to come back tomorrow to sign some form, when we could have spent a Saturday morning at home. Great timing, as usual. Also, she wants us to do some last-minute work on our PW........and her reasons for making us do so were only given today, when she could have told us earlier........:S
Well.........i really dunno what comes next. Considering my current state of mind, it shouldn't have been surprising. KS really blew up today, throwing tables and chairs about like i would have done had i been in his place, except on a larger scale, and maybe not even waiting till Mrs Yeo leaves. The whole class was out in full force to support KS, but Mrs Yeo just wouldn't budge. I also think that leniency would have been a better option......it's not like KS was chatting away!!! It WAS important stuff!!! Surely there's room for leniency.......but all's said and done, no point in looking at the past.
Now.......what??? Now i have some free time, and i'm thinking about Abigail again.......stop it, Kai. She means a lot to you, true, but she's still history, and you should look forward now, don't keep wishing for what can never happen. I know you want to talk to her again, Kai, but face it, it's not the time, you still have the exams to think about, and so does she, stop being so mental, you can always contact her again next time.........
Damn.......that's how my thoughts have been more or less been like. Sigh........i don't even know what to think anymore, right here, right now...........
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Sorry, just going mental again;p
But i am so happy........finally, this thing is out of the way. Am i glad for it.......those college authorities set the dateline so close to the promos, the whole class have been rushing to get it done. No wonder they were so short-tempered the last few days, the PW really took our time off from studying for promos. And then, when half the level fails because of the fact that our time to study has been cut short, Mr Kwek will be like, 'I am disappointed, Pioneers', again. Sigh......those 'up-theres' never really understood, did they? Of course not, they were the ones who set the questionable dateline in the first place........:S
And then, Mrs Yeo made up promise to come back tomorrow to sign some form, when we could have spent a Saturday morning at home. Great timing, as usual. Also, she wants us to do some last-minute work on our PW........and her reasons for making us do so were only given today, when she could have told us earlier........:S
Well.........i really dunno what comes next. Considering my current state of mind, it shouldn't have been surprising. KS really blew up today, throwing tables and chairs about like i would have done had i been in his place, except on a larger scale, and maybe not even waiting till Mrs Yeo leaves. The whole class was out in full force to support KS, but Mrs Yeo just wouldn't budge. I also think that leniency would have been a better option......it's not like KS was chatting away!!! It WAS important stuff!!! Surely there's room for leniency.......but all's said and done, no point in looking at the past.
Now.......what??? Now i have some free time, and i'm thinking about Abigail again.......stop it, Kai. She means a lot to you, true, but she's still history, and you should look forward now, don't keep wishing for what can never happen. I know you want to talk to her again, Kai, but face it, it's not the time, you still have the exams to think about, and so does she, stop being so mental, you can always contact her again next time.........
Damn.......that's how my thoughts have been more or less been like. Sigh........i don't even know what to think anymore, right here, right now...........
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Before i forget, here's one of Joel's best quotes yet:
"It's like telling a donkey not to be an ass, it doesn't work that way"-Joel Chow
Pretty neat, yeah?
"It's like telling a donkey not to be an ass, it doesn't work that way"-Joel Chow
Pretty neat, yeah?
However..........It wasn't all bad though, the last 2 days. Finally, after a long wait, Abigail has finally replied. Sigh......i know i'm being selfish for wanting her to talk to me so much, but when someone is a loser like me, you gotta want someone to be nice to you for a change. And Abigail is that person for me. I would really like to see her face to face......but i'm just being childish and unrealistic, and i know that. So.....i'l settle for e-mail, slow as it is, at least i still know we havent lost contact.
I'm a person in need of someone to understand me......and while i was only in high school, Abigail was the one who helped feel that need. She helped me be a better person......hell, i'm rambling about her again. Why, though? Why can't i forget her of all people, when we really were only friends? As i said, she was special to me, in a way i don't think i'll ever find again.
I can't help but think of her.........
I'm a person in need of someone to understand me......and while i was only in high school, Abigail was the one who helped feel that need. She helped me be a better person......hell, i'm rambling about her again. Why, though? Why can't i forget her of all people, when we really were only friends? As i said, she was special to me, in a way i don't think i'll ever find again.
I can't help but think of her.........
The Authorities have done it again. Another blitz on the students for their attire, another long, boring talk about consequences, another 'I am upset, Pioneers....' speech. Why......why must they pick on us for such trivial stuff??? Why must they insist on making us into their image, that of mindless drones that can only conform??? What is so wrong about tweaking our attire a little to look unique???
Why do we have to wear uniforms anyway, for that matter??? Are JC students so untrustable compared to polytechnic students??? Are we supposed to be robots??? Can't we have our own identity, our own character, our own dress code??? Why must we be forced to do things that have no purpose anyway??? Does uniform code have anything to do with preparing us for university???
I can go on and on, hell, i can write an essay on how the dress code for junior colleges in Singapore is repressive in the Gothic sense, might even come up with a damn good essay too, but the crux of the matter is this: The uniform code for junior colleges is useless, has no point, and should be scrapped. Let us come as who we are. Let us come in our real identities. Please don't seek to repress us, or no matter how many Literature lectures you give us, no matter how many GP lessons you give us to open our minds, no matter what you do, the students, the future leaders of Singapore, will just become drones again, without souls, without the creativity Singapore is hurting for, without anything at all.
From now on, i vow to test, even to break those rules that i find useless and laughable. And i will assert my rights if challenged by those in authority. Don't believe me? Wanna bet? If i set my mind on something, i will see it through. And again, i say: Bring it on.
Here's a quote: The Reward For Conformity Was That Everyone Liked You But Yourself.
Like it???
Why do we have to wear uniforms anyway, for that matter??? Are JC students so untrustable compared to polytechnic students??? Are we supposed to be robots??? Can't we have our own identity, our own character, our own dress code??? Why must we be forced to do things that have no purpose anyway??? Does uniform code have anything to do with preparing us for university???
I can go on and on, hell, i can write an essay on how the dress code for junior colleges in Singapore is repressive in the Gothic sense, might even come up with a damn good essay too, but the crux of the matter is this: The uniform code for junior colleges is useless, has no point, and should be scrapped. Let us come as who we are. Let us come in our real identities. Please don't seek to repress us, or no matter how many Literature lectures you give us, no matter how many GP lessons you give us to open our minds, no matter what you do, the students, the future leaders of Singapore, will just become drones again, without souls, without the creativity Singapore is hurting for, without anything at all.
From now on, i vow to test, even to break those rules that i find useless and laughable. And i will assert my rights if challenged by those in authority. Don't believe me? Wanna bet? If i set my mind on something, i will see it through. And again, i say: Bring it on.
Here's a quote: The Reward For Conformity Was That Everyone Liked You But Yourself.
Like it???
The Authorities have done it again. Another blitz on the students for their attire, another long, boring talk about consequences, another 'I am upset, Pioneers....' speech. Why......why must they pick on us for such trivial stuff??? Why must they insist on making us into their image, that of mindless drones that can only conform??? What is so wrong about tweaking our attire a little to look unique???
Why do we have to wear uniforms anyway, for that matter??? Are JC students so untrustable compared to polytechnic students??? Are we supposed to be robots??? Can't we have our own identity, our own character, our own dress code??? Why must we be forced to do things that have no purpose anyway??? Does uniform code have anything to do with preparing us for university???
I can go on and on, hell, i can write an essay on how the dress code for junior colleges in Singapore is repressive in the Gothic sense, might even come up with a damn good essay too, but the crux of the matter is this: The uniform code for junior colleges is useless, has no point, and should be scrapped. Let us come as who we are. Let us come in our real identities. Please don't seek to repress us, or no matter how many Literature lectures you give us, no matter how many GP lessons you give us to open our minds, no matter what you do, the students, the future leaders of Singapore, will just become drones again, without souls, without the creativity Singapore is hurting for, without anything at all.
From now on, i vow to test, even to break those rules that i find useless and laughable. And i will assert my rights if challenged by those in authority. Don't believe me? Wanna bet? If i set my mind on something, i will see it through. And again, i say: Bring it on.
Here's a quote: The Reward For Conformity Was That Everyone Liked You But Yourself.
Like it???
Why do we have to wear uniforms anyway, for that matter??? Are JC students so untrustable compared to polytechnic students??? Are we supposed to be robots??? Can't we have our own identity, our own character, our own dress code??? Why must we be forced to do things that have no purpose anyway??? Does uniform code have anything to do with preparing us for university???
I can go on and on, hell, i can write an essay on how the dress code for junior colleges in Singapore is repressive in the Gothic sense, might even come up with a damn good essay too, but the crux of the matter is this: The uniform code for junior colleges is useless, has no point, and should be scrapped. Let us come as who we are. Let us come in our real identities. Please don't seek to repress us, or no matter how many Literature lectures you give us, no matter how many GP lessons you give us to open our minds, no matter what you do, the students, the future leaders of Singapore, will just become drones again, without souls, without the creativity Singapore is hurting for, without anything at all.
From now on, i vow to test, even to break those rules that i find useless and laughable. And i will assert my rights if challenged by those in authority. Don't believe me? Wanna bet? If i set my mind on something, i will see it through. And again, i say: Bring it on.
Here's a quote: The Reward For Conformity Was That Everyone Liked You But Yourself.
Like it???
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Well, here i am again.
What can i say........what ELSE can i say??? The promos are biting me in my ass, everyone is doing more or less the same, another crappy start to the week, and i've lost contact with Abigail........again. To sum it up, i feel like shit:(
How did i ever survive PJC??? No, make that survive my entire life. I was always, ALWAYS, the odd one out, the freak, the one to avoid, etc. etc. So why am i complaining if i've always had it so bad??? It wasn't always this bad, that's why. At least people in BPGHS treated me as just another person eventually, and i never had it this bad since 3 years before.
And now, i'm as good as hated in the entire Arts level. Why............
Caine, if you're reading this, i'll have you know that i'm not being uncooperative in PW without a reason. Do you really think you can be a jerk and yet at the same time get me to cooperate? That's right, i am sabotaging the whole thing as much as i can, and get this, you are the reason i'm doing this. Hahaha.........do you really think me such an idiot that i won't react to how you've treated me??? Oh no, ultimately i don't care about the 10% marks too, as long as i drag everyone down with me.
Joel, if you are reading this, and i know you will be, you know what i'm like as a person. You want to get mad at me, sure, go ahead. I'll have you know that i'm disillusioned with everything, and you said Anger Is Evil..........Well, I'll tell you something. Right here, right now, i wouldn't mind giving myself over to evil. All the good i ever tried to do, all the good i've ever tried to be, it all comes down to nothing in the end. People still shun me. Why then, why shouldn't I be evil? Why shouldn't i harm the community, if they don't appreciate any of my attempts at contribution to the community? Why shouldn't i engage in defensive behaviour? Answer me that, Joel........all i know is, if nothing is going to come out of 'good', then 'evil' may be the only option........
Ben, if you are reading this, do me a favour: SHUT UP. You talk so much, you act as if everyone has to agree, and you don't give up until you win. I'll tell you this, i don't like your egostical behaviour, and one day, if you use that mouth on me again, don't be surprised if your teeth suddenly goes missing..........and that goes for you too, Lay Kuan.
That's basically all i can say about the class. Such a disappointment to realise i can't have a new beginning there.......How i miss BPGHS.........how i miss Abigail..........
What can i say........what ELSE can i say??? The promos are biting me in my ass, everyone is doing more or less the same, another crappy start to the week, and i've lost contact with Abigail........again. To sum it up, i feel like shit:(
How did i ever survive PJC??? No, make that survive my entire life. I was always, ALWAYS, the odd one out, the freak, the one to avoid, etc. etc. So why am i complaining if i've always had it so bad??? It wasn't always this bad, that's why. At least people in BPGHS treated me as just another person eventually, and i never had it this bad since 3 years before.
And now, i'm as good as hated in the entire Arts level. Why............
Caine, if you're reading this, i'll have you know that i'm not being uncooperative in PW without a reason. Do you really think you can be a jerk and yet at the same time get me to cooperate? That's right, i am sabotaging the whole thing as much as i can, and get this, you are the reason i'm doing this. Hahaha.........do you really think me such an idiot that i won't react to how you've treated me??? Oh no, ultimately i don't care about the 10% marks too, as long as i drag everyone down with me.
Joel, if you are reading this, and i know you will be, you know what i'm like as a person. You want to get mad at me, sure, go ahead. I'll have you know that i'm disillusioned with everything, and you said Anger Is Evil..........Well, I'll tell you something. Right here, right now, i wouldn't mind giving myself over to evil. All the good i ever tried to do, all the good i've ever tried to be, it all comes down to nothing in the end. People still shun me. Why then, why shouldn't I be evil? Why shouldn't i harm the community, if they don't appreciate any of my attempts at contribution to the community? Why shouldn't i engage in defensive behaviour? Answer me that, Joel........all i know is, if nothing is going to come out of 'good', then 'evil' may be the only option........
Ben, if you are reading this, do me a favour: SHUT UP. You talk so much, you act as if everyone has to agree, and you don't give up until you win. I'll tell you this, i don't like your egostical behaviour, and one day, if you use that mouth on me again, don't be surprised if your teeth suddenly goes missing..........and that goes for you too, Lay Kuan.
That's basically all i can say about the class. Such a disappointment to realise i can't have a new beginning there.......How i miss BPGHS.........how i miss Abigail..........
Sunday, September 21, 2003
I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life, i'm walking away, oh.....to find a better day........-Craig David
Sigh......how many of us can claim to be able to walk away from the troubles in our lives just like that? How many of us can just, when we have to, drop everything and just enjoy life as it is? How many of us feel stressed, f***ed off, weighed down, and wishes that it would all disappear, but have responsibilties to live up to, that exam to pass, that family to feed, that project to complete, etc. etc.
That's me, as it is the rest of us. Problems with school, problems with people, problems with family, problems with......you name it. What can i do.......i would gladly walk away, just like ol' Craig.......but when can i go??? Where can i go to escape all of this? Everyday, hearing the same things about responsibilties, being accountable to others and yourself, blah blah blah.......
The worst thing is, you can try, but if you do, you'll end up harming yourself and loads of other people, people you care for, and........sigh.........i know that responsibilities are supposed to test your mettle, but sometimes the world overdoes it.......and more often than not, it ends up on the shoulders of small fry like us.
I would gladly be back in New Zealand now, the picturesque scenes, the sense of peace you get while there........if i only could, i wouldn't mind never leaving NZ........
Sigh......how many of us can claim to be able to walk away from the troubles in our lives just like that? How many of us can just, when we have to, drop everything and just enjoy life as it is? How many of us feel stressed, f***ed off, weighed down, and wishes that it would all disappear, but have responsibilties to live up to, that exam to pass, that family to feed, that project to complete, etc. etc.
That's me, as it is the rest of us. Problems with school, problems with people, problems with family, problems with......you name it. What can i do.......i would gladly walk away, just like ol' Craig.......but when can i go??? Where can i go to escape all of this? Everyday, hearing the same things about responsibilties, being accountable to others and yourself, blah blah blah.......
The worst thing is, you can try, but if you do, you'll end up harming yourself and loads of other people, people you care for, and........sigh.........i know that responsibilities are supposed to test your mettle, but sometimes the world overdoes it.......and more often than not, it ends up on the shoulders of small fry like us.
I would gladly be back in New Zealand now, the picturesque scenes, the sense of peace you get while there........if i only could, i wouldn't mind never leaving NZ........
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Just realised i published a post without saying anything about my day.....now that doesn't happen very often......:S
Anyway, i've been peeking around into my classmate's blogs without their knowledge......and that, if anything, calmed me down most. How could i have forgotten that beneath those hateful exteriors, those smirking faces that made my life hell everyday, are humans??? How could i have forgotten that underneath, there are vulnerable souls suffering more or less the same things i do......and more??? How could i have forgotten that whatever they claim, they are just as hurt, just as weighed down by the system, just as stricken by life as i am???
How could i......never mind, all that doesn't matter now.
Anyway, i've been peeking around into my classmate's blogs without their knowledge......and that, if anything, calmed me down most. How could i have forgotten that beneath those hateful exteriors, those smirking faces that made my life hell everyday, are humans??? How could i have forgotten that underneath, there are vulnerable souls suffering more or less the same things i do......and more??? How could i have forgotten that whatever they claim, they are just as hurt, just as weighed down by the system, just as stricken by life as i am???
How could i......never mind, all that doesn't matter now.
Just read Joel's blog today.....what did he mean by 'do not do it again'??? I can only infer 2 things from his post that suggested he was angry with me.......
One is that I kept irritating him with talk of Amber.......sorry man, but you had that coming to you. Did you really think i'll just forget the ways you talked rot at me??? Ok, ok, its really trivial, but as your key word, which is my term for a single word which describes personality, is 'sarcasm', my key word is 'revenge'. I will always try to avenge any insult, no matter how trivial. Chew on it, Joel.
Two, is that he could be angry at me for throwing the WR at Yenting. Ok, Joel, if you had been there, you'll know that she had it coming to her. Let me tell you what really happened. I am already tired out from another crappy week, and she had to choose that time to blast me repeatedly, for no reason at all. If it had been you, I won't like to think what you would have done. There's something else though.......Joel, if you had reported me to Mr Quek, it would have been more than just an 'I am concerned...'. Do you know i am already marked by Mr Boh? If you had reported me, I could very well be on my way out now......not that it would be a bad thing, but i'll remember you screwed me once, and i would not rest until i have your guts, Joel. Be glad you controlled yourself.
One is that I kept irritating him with talk of Amber.......sorry man, but you had that coming to you. Did you really think i'll just forget the ways you talked rot at me??? Ok, ok, its really trivial, but as your key word, which is my term for a single word which describes personality, is 'sarcasm', my key word is 'revenge'. I will always try to avenge any insult, no matter how trivial. Chew on it, Joel.
Two, is that he could be angry at me for throwing the WR at Yenting. Ok, Joel, if you had been there, you'll know that she had it coming to her. Let me tell you what really happened. I am already tired out from another crappy week, and she had to choose that time to blast me repeatedly, for no reason at all. If it had been you, I won't like to think what you would have done. There's something else though.......Joel, if you had reported me to Mr Quek, it would have been more than just an 'I am concerned...'. Do you know i am already marked by Mr Boh? If you had reported me, I could very well be on my way out now......not that it would be a bad thing, but i'll remember you screwed me once, and i would not rest until i have your guts, Joel. Be glad you controlled yourself.
Friday, September 19, 2003
Well.......today is one of the worst days in my life. The class has now more or less declared open hostilities against me. But what is scary is.......i don't feel anything about it. Not anymore. Something has changed inside me today, and i don't know what it is, but what i do know is that now, i truly do not care anymore. Let them cast me out, let them ostracize me, let them blast me, beat me, do what they will, and i say: Bring it on. Let them see i cannot care less about what they think of me anymore. Let them see that now i am truly cold. Let them see that i can live my life without being so much as affected by them. Let them see that they cannot make me care anymore.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Well......just yesterday, the school conducted a spot check, and my classmates got the worst of it. Ankle socks, drawstrings, extras, all confiscated by the DM for no good reason than because it doesn't conform with school rules on attire. I don't really care about them, and i didn't get any flak, not much anyway, but......this episode somehow set me off in a way i cannot explain. The result? Nothing spectacular, just this latest poem i've wrote......:
Wasteland Of Broken Souls
We are all unique,
With talent and potential,
We are here to develop and grow.
Well, that's what they claim to do.
They lie.
The truth is, we are destined,
To conform to, the inhuman machine,
The Authorities, our personalities stripped,
Turned into mere machines, with the purpose of churning out results.
This is where we are.
And we are punished,
Anytime and everytime,
Always when we break imposed limits.
All, in the search for ourselves.
A Wasteland
That is where, we are shackled,
Transformed into, soulless automatons,
Can you hear us weep, our dreams sundered forever,
In our immortal pain, soundlessly wailing out the tortured cry
Of Broken Souls.
This may seem a little confusing......but it's my poem, and i write it that way for a reason. Hopefully, this will sum up what i've been feeling for the past week.......hell, what i've been feeling for the past decade of my life.
Wasteland Of Broken Souls
We are all unique,
With talent and potential,
We are here to develop and grow.
Well, that's what they claim to do.
They lie.
The truth is, we are destined,
To conform to, the inhuman machine,
The Authorities, our personalities stripped,
Turned into mere machines, with the purpose of churning out results.
This is where we are.
And we are punished,
Anytime and everytime,
Always when we break imposed limits.
All, in the search for ourselves.
A Wasteland
That is where, we are shackled,
Transformed into, soulless automatons,
Can you hear us weep, our dreams sundered forever,
In our immortal pain, soundlessly wailing out the tortured cry
Of Broken Souls.
This may seem a little confusing......but it's my poem, and i write it that way for a reason. Hopefully, this will sum up what i've been feeling for the past week.......hell, what i've been feeling for the past decade of my life.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Haven't been posting here in a long while......well that's about to change.
Well.......what can i say? Since i came back to college, i re-realised just what i hate about this place so much again: the same old nagging, the same old ostracizing, the same old taunts, the same old loneliness........I'm feeling sorry for myself again. At the very least, whenever i suffered the same fate in my previous school, i knew there was always one or two who knew me better, who i can seek comfort in. But here........everyone is in on the act. Nobody cares. All they see is the freak to avoid, the irritant to remove, the antisocial to ostracize, the danger to destroy.............
But they don't know that, push me too far, and i can hurt them. I will hurt them if need be.
Here's a poem for you readers:
CORNERED
You seek, to exclude me,
to leave me out, and
isolate me.
You say, 'hey there he is,
that stupid freak, that
disgusting creep.'
You try, to break me down,
to spoil my name, and
cornering me.
Watch out.
I will never forget,
And I will not forgive.
I will do to you,
What you had done to me.
I will see you suffer,
The pain you put me through.
I will entrap you,
Just like you've cornered me.
Disturbed yet? This is a main cause of the school shootings in America, the student suicides in Singapore, the problems of adolescents everywhere. Corner a person, and like a cat, he will have no choice, but to stand and fight.
A warning to all: that 'freak' you've always bullied.......one, day, he or she will come back to haunt you.
Well.......what can i say? Since i came back to college, i re-realised just what i hate about this place so much again: the same old nagging, the same old ostracizing, the same old taunts, the same old loneliness........I'm feeling sorry for myself again. At the very least, whenever i suffered the same fate in my previous school, i knew there was always one or two who knew me better, who i can seek comfort in. But here........everyone is in on the act. Nobody cares. All they see is the freak to avoid, the irritant to remove, the antisocial to ostracize, the danger to destroy.............
But they don't know that, push me too far, and i can hurt them. I will hurt them if need be.
Here's a poem for you readers:
CORNERED
You seek, to exclude me,
to leave me out, and
isolate me.
You say, 'hey there he is,
that stupid freak, that
disgusting creep.'
You try, to break me down,
to spoil my name, and
cornering me.
Watch out.
I will never forget,
And I will not forgive.
I will do to you,
What you had done to me.
I will see you suffer,
The pain you put me through.
I will entrap you,
Just like you've cornered me.
Disturbed yet? This is a main cause of the school shootings in America, the student suicides in Singapore, the problems of adolescents everywhere. Corner a person, and like a cat, he will have no choice, but to stand and fight.
A warning to all: that 'freak' you've always bullied.......one, day, he or she will come back to haunt you.
Friday, September 12, 2003
Exactly 2 years and 1 day ago, the world was changed forever. A product of the Cold War, became America's bane, and subsequently, everyone else's problem. In case any readers have been living on Mars, i'm talking about September 11, 2001, the worst thing ever to happen in the 21st century yet. The world, in that one moment, became an unsafe world to live in........
Yesterday, the Americans mourned again. Yesterday, the anniversary of the new world chaos was observed. Yesterday, our lives were irreversibly changed 2 years ago. Yesterday, we marked the dawn of a new era, where terrorism ensures we would never be safe again.
Yesterday, was September 11, 2003. Many people died this day due to senseless violence. Let us pray for peace.
Yesterday, the Americans mourned again. Yesterday, the anniversary of the new world chaos was observed. Yesterday, our lives were irreversibly changed 2 years ago. Yesterday, we marked the dawn of a new era, where terrorism ensures we would never be safe again.
Yesterday, was September 11, 2003. Many people died this day due to senseless violence. Let us pray for peace.
It's been a while since i posted........
Anyway, i'm in a fix. The exams a just a matter of weeks away, and i'm still not quite ready yet for it!!! What do i do.......there seems to be so many things to do, and even 24 hours seem a little short. What with PW, makeups, etc. etc., nothing seems to be sufficient for anyone. Sigh......sounds depressing, a little like my life right now.
Anyway, here's a quote i found: Power Gravitates To The Man Who Has Courage.
Pretty nice, yeah?
Anyway, i'm in a fix. The exams a just a matter of weeks away, and i'm still not quite ready yet for it!!! What do i do.......there seems to be so many things to do, and even 24 hours seem a little short. What with PW, makeups, etc. etc., nothing seems to be sufficient for anyone. Sigh......sounds depressing, a little like my life right now.
Anyway, here's a quote i found: Power Gravitates To The Man Who Has Courage.
Pretty nice, yeah?
Friday, September 05, 2003
Ever wondered what life is all about? Me too. There are so many analogies to life, that i've lost count of how many i've read. Anyway, i've created my own analogy, using a childhood dream........anyway, here goes:
Life is like flying a fighter jet. You've got to learn how to deal with life, like how you'll learn to roll, to yaw, to withstand the G-forces pushing you back in your seat. The plane is yours, its strapped to your back, and there's nobody to fly the plane for you. You'll going to have to fly it your way. And then, you have an objective in life, just like you have a primary objective in a mission. You can accompish other things, like you can accomplish secondary objectives, but remember, its the primary objective that counts.
When you encounter problems, its like having enemy fighters on your radar. You have to decide how to deal with them. Do you guide a complicated solution along, like you'll guide an Slammer radar-guided missile from far away? Or do you go for a risky, but quick and neat solution, just like going in close and popping off a Sidewinder? Or do you get down and dirty, just like going even closer and using your Vulcan cannon?
And what when life throws you the curveballs? Its like staring straight at missiles fired at you. You have to do what you can, take evasive actions, release chaff and flares.......anything, to make sure the missile won't hit you, just like the curveballs won't overwhelm you.
Also remember that you've still got allies, even though you're alone in the cockpit. Remember you have a guide, like an AWACS showing you the expanse of sky and everything in it which you couldn't see by yourself. It could be your parents, God, anything to guide you through the journey of life. Remember the other fighters sharing the sky with you, your friends, covering your ass, just as you are covering theirs. And finally.......remember that at some point, you will have a wingman, your Significant Other, helping you through your life, providing support, just like you provide support to him or her.
Finally, do not be afraid of death at life's end. It is merely a return to the air field, ending your glorious time in the sky, to refuel, to reload. It is somewhat sad after the excitement, but have faith that soon, you'll be flying again......or perhaps, even to greater things.
Life is like flying a fighter jet. You've got to learn how to deal with life, like how you'll learn to roll, to yaw, to withstand the G-forces pushing you back in your seat. The plane is yours, its strapped to your back, and there's nobody to fly the plane for you. You'll going to have to fly it your way. And then, you have an objective in life, just like you have a primary objective in a mission. You can accompish other things, like you can accomplish secondary objectives, but remember, its the primary objective that counts.
When you encounter problems, its like having enemy fighters on your radar. You have to decide how to deal with them. Do you guide a complicated solution along, like you'll guide an Slammer radar-guided missile from far away? Or do you go for a risky, but quick and neat solution, just like going in close and popping off a Sidewinder? Or do you get down and dirty, just like going even closer and using your Vulcan cannon?
And what when life throws you the curveballs? Its like staring straight at missiles fired at you. You have to do what you can, take evasive actions, release chaff and flares.......anything, to make sure the missile won't hit you, just like the curveballs won't overwhelm you.
Also remember that you've still got allies, even though you're alone in the cockpit. Remember you have a guide, like an AWACS showing you the expanse of sky and everything in it which you couldn't see by yourself. It could be your parents, God, anything to guide you through the journey of life. Remember the other fighters sharing the sky with you, your friends, covering your ass, just as you are covering theirs. And finally.......remember that at some point, you will have a wingman, your Significant Other, helping you through your life, providing support, just like you provide support to him or her.
Finally, do not be afraid of death at life's end. It is merely a return to the air field, ending your glorious time in the sky, to refuel, to reload. It is somewhat sad after the excitement, but have faith that soon, you'll be flying again......or perhaps, even to greater things.
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Just received a mail from Abigail.......well, she told me to see what the counsellors have to say, so i can be helped out......problem is, i already have an idea what they are going to say, and all of the scenerios aren't good......what do I do now???
I've always trusted Abigail's judgement, and I'm still sure her judgement is as good as ever, but........i'm not sure i will let myself be helped. I don't even know what i'm doing anymore. Sometimes, it's like an evil side of me is controlling how i think, and as a result, i feel cornered.......with nobody to help me out.
What do i do now? I feel so.......alone.
Maybe its just me acting up. Maybe its how the Bee Gees sing:
'In the words of a broken heart it's just emotions, taking me over.......'
I've always trusted Abigail's judgement, and I'm still sure her judgement is as good as ever, but........i'm not sure i will let myself be helped. I don't even know what i'm doing anymore. Sometimes, it's like an evil side of me is controlling how i think, and as a result, i feel cornered.......with nobody to help me out.
What do i do now? I feel so.......alone.
Maybe its just me acting up. Maybe its how the Bee Gees sing:
'In the words of a broken heart it's just emotions, taking me over.......'
